Calm Amongst the Chaos

Mama of 5 seeking calm in the chaos

I was reading my bible today and something jumped out at me I had to read several different translations to see if what I read was the same in each one (thank you bible app because had I said this pre-internet you all would have considered me a scholar but since you all have the app I know this is not that impressive).

Mark 8:12 When he (Jesus) heard this, he sighed deeply in his spirit and said, Why do these people keep demanding a miraculous sign? I tell you the truth, I will not give this generation any such sign.”

The NLT version

What was it I was so hung up on? Him refusing to do a song and dance for the Pharisees? No…it was that Jesus sighed. Some translations just say sighed, some say sighed in spirit but regardless Jesus sighed. Jesus let out a frustrated sigh. Jesus did. Jesus in his human form was so frustrated he let out an audible sigh. I probably sigh 80 times an hour. My kids sigh at me probably 85 times an hour. A stranger at the zoo sighed at me because we were getting out of the van and she thought we were leaving therefore totally ruining her day just by us showing up. We as humans are constant sighers and to hear my Jesus sighed just reminded me that he too was human. And also a feeling of doom knowing if he and I were sitting having coffee right now and I could see him as he listens to my prayers, he would totally sigh.

Last Spring I was an anxious wreck waiting to hear back from the judge if we were going to be able to adopt our babies. Such a hard time I wrote God’s Plan after I had a real come to Jesus moment about release and trust and proof of my distrust in God. It was such a growing experience and I felt my relationship with God multiplied in that hard time once I was able to admit my distrust, humble myself and seek his forgiveness. My entire perspective changed after that clarity I received back then. YET a year later new anxieties have arisen and here I am once again spinning on my own thoughts dizzying myself and hurting those around me with my negativity. All due to my knee jerk guttural reactions to strike when I am feeling down. I hate this about me and I hate that I have the wisdom from experience in my back pocket and knowledge in my phone and in my actual Bible to seek the one thing that I can rely on and trust yet alas, here I am spinning on my axis. Again. It’s like I accidentally got on the teacups ride at Disneyland and even after the ride stops and Walt Disney is right there lending me his hand to get off, I just stay and spin and cry about hating the ride. I love Disneyland, just not this particular ride. That’s my life. Walt is clearly not God, but have you been to Disney?

Thankfully being able to see Jesus sigh at me snapped me out of my self made tornado and seeing this helps me remember that he does it because he loves me. He wants me to stop. He doesn’t want me to spin myself and everyone around me sick.

I see you, Jesus. I seek you, Jesus.

I’m finally humbling myself and seeking his forgiveness for my distrust in him, yet again, and asking him to calm my chaos. The words I try to live by. Calm my chaos. Calm my anxieties. Let me rest knowing you are good. Life is going to be a constant struggle. When you have a life as full as ours, given so many blessings yet with so many responsibilities, monthly vacations to Fiji isn’t really the life plan for us. Expecting easy is silly. The struggle is constant, it will probably always be so that is not the issue. The issue is how we negate each time we find ourselves spinning out of control. How do we accept that hand reaching out to us and hold it and simply let ourselves be held.

Jesus, thank you for sighing. Thank you for the reminders that you were human. You know the human desires and pain and suffering more than anyone yet you offer us so much grace. Thank you for loving me through all the distrust I have and reminding me over and over again that you are my safe place to sit and remain still.

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