Calm Amongst the Chaos

Lily is eating better. I found out she loves avocado. I found some tortilla with very low carbs and who doesn’t love a cheese quesadilla? She likes a cauliflower mixture with cream and chesses that I think tastes like mashed potatoes. So I am feeling better about her getting more food in. Not happy that she is getting no relief on the seizures. This morning I had to wake her for school and I just knew I didn’t want to do that because of course that sent her straight into a seizure. But after it she ate and went to school happily so while it sucked, she is so used to them it is just part of her life. I am told to be patient. 9 years of being patient. Guess we’ll just continue being “patient”.
Andrew has been gone this week to South Dakota and I have been holding down the fort. Parenting is just not the same with only one adult. I give so many props to single moms, military moms, and moms with husbands who work out of town all the time. It is hard work! And not just missing the help with the kids, it is someone to talk to at the end of the day in bed. Someone to say “man what a day” or to giggle with about something silly the kids said or did. I am not looking forward to tomorrow it is going to be a hectic day Saturday. I am looking forward to Monday when he finally makes his way back.
I had to spend my morning at the court proving I do have insurance and paying $250 for a ticket I cannot attend traffic school for because I already been there done that just a few months ago. And it is my fault. I can’t blame the police officer. I can’t blame anyone but myself. I’d like to blame my overwhelmed brain, but that’s like a drunk blaming it on the alcohol. I have so many other ideas of what to spend $250 on. It just made my gut sick. BUT I have to say, I have gotten pulled over at least 6 times in the past 10 years and never gotten a ticket, I always drive too fast. While I do think I am a “cautious speeder”, but maybe that is a little like a “responsible drunk”, all those warnings were making me feel invincible. I mean I was pulled over at least 3 times in the past 2 years alone. I shouldn’t be driving so fast. I need to be reprimanded and believe me having to write a check for $250 made me want to vomit. But I bet you one thing; you won’t see me with another speeding ticket. At least not until I can attend traffic school again, I kid.
This day made me realize how much this felt like being a child and being held responsible for my actions. It sucked, I was mad at the cop (not his fault), annoyed with the court clerk who told me I had to come back to see the judge (not her fault), annoyed that I couldn’t smile my way to a lower fine with the judge (not his fault). Mad at my smile that seems to not be working like it used to? Ok maybe. But I pouted a bit and got over it and it left a huge imprint on taking responsibility for my actions. I realize with my kids it is the same way. Warnings are nice, they let you sigh in relief, but they also don’t teach you much. This was a great learning lesson for me today. And if life is anything, it is all about tests. Some tests we pass, some we fail and have to retake again. I am thankful for a gracious and merciful teacher who hands me the test and says this time you’ll do great.
Things are crazy, things are hectic, and things don’t go the way I want them to, especially as of right now. I have about 10 things I’d like to just change with a snap of my fingers, but that won’t happen so what I am going to do is keep moving forward. Keep trying to pass my tests and keep learning from my mistakes. I figure if I keep up this attitude by 100 I will be perfect.