Calm Amongst the Chaos

Mama of 5 seeking calm in the chaos

Our family had this one huge fight we all go back and reference and retell and laugh about decades later. Like many decades later. This one was epic and while I was really young and don’t actually remember any of the details, I remember the feelings it evoked in me and I remember the story told by everyone else. I can share the different versions of each party and I can actually giggle at how dumb kids can be. To understand why my part in this family fight was so minuscule it is helpful to know I am 6 years junior (not really necessary, but info I share any chance I get) to my brother and sister who are twins. Please don’t ask me if my brother and sister twins are identical. Please don’t. And this incident either made me into an enneagram 9 or I already was one and rocking in my room. I kid, but maybe some truth to that.

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It’s been almost a year I have had a gift. A precious gift of being home with our kids. And a gift that I treated like a curse. Not because I don’t love being home. I ADORE being at home! I hate to even think of putting them back in daycare. We have a system, a rhythm, fun… sure I get frustrated, sure I crave alone time, but I love being home and I love exactly how this past year has gone.

These two have been through more in their sweet little lives than most go through in a lifetime. They have experienced trauma, confusion and most of all deep loss. They had strangers in and out of their lives. Multiple people calling themselves mom and dad. They had a difficult start. And I would have to drop them off to daycare and listen to them scream for me and go to work. Some days a case aide would pick them up and some days it was me. Some days A would claw my face off and pull my hair as I put him in the car to go on a visit. And even with the celebration of our adoption, it meant they had to say goodbye to their biological parents. Trauma is real and it will always leave it’s footprint on their lives and not to say this lightly, on mine too. We’ve been through some ish! And these kids needed to be home with me. We needed time to just be a family. Today is our 1 year adoption anniversary! Shortly after adoption, I left my family business that was all I have ever known as a working professional. I grieved the loss of that job/career/life and went full-on stay at home mom which was hard and good and strange and so wonderful. Yet also I knew my time home was limited and that time would come to an end and I would need to find employment. We cannot survive on one income and I would need to find something to help support our family. And this is where anxiety became my sidekick, my bedmate, my partner in crime, my cancer that filled throughout my body.

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I had so much fun over at 3rd Space with Bob Fabey! Bob and I have been friends for years and I look to him to offer real, in your face spiritual wisdom and sometimes just for a laugh over coffee. Bob is real and comes from a history of deep theology and I imagine he can discuss things in big ways with really smart people, but he’s also just super cool with average run of mill people like myself.

We chatted and laughed as if we didn’t have a microphone and ear muffs on. Head phones? Probably not ear muffs.

Please give it a listen and let me know what you think. Man, I love to talk and this was so much fun!

Please check it out! Click here!

I was reading my bible today and something jumped out at me I had to read several different translations to see if what I read was the same in each one (thank you bible app because had I said this pre-internet you all would have considered me a scholar but since you all have the app I know this is not that impressive).

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I’m always happy when my husband has a birthday. This is primarily for selfish reasons. For 2 months I am 4 years older than him and this gap particular seems to be the most hurtful. 36 and 40. Ugh. So yesterday he turned 37 and closed that gap up a bit. Thank you February 26th.

His dinner birthday request was the family favorite, curry chicken, that my mom made for us when I was a kid. It’s a strong family tradition and because of how easy and tasty it is I decided to share it on my Instagram story yesterday and it was very popular so I thought I would throw all the ingredients here so it’s handy.

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Dear Mama of Littles (me) with love from a mama of bigs (also me):

Many people are going to tell you that you are going to miss this. And yes there are many things you will. The dimples in their hands. Their fresh bathed right before bed smell. Their giggles. The hilarious things they say. The way they dance like no cares. The way they snuggle into you in the early morning hours under a blanket watching Paw Patrol. Yes those moments are imprinted in and you will miss them. But can I tell you something? Only something I feel a mama that has started all over again can tell you.

Shhhh…. lean in …..are you ready?

There are sooooo many things you are so not gonna miss.

Like seriously not miss at all.

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Last week I sat with our 16 year old daughter, Lily, at one of her many specialists appointments. This time it was her Gastroenterologist, ie GI and we were discussing poop. Literally. That is why we see him. And he is great! He speaks to Lily with dignity and respect and even though he knows she won’t be able to verbally answer his questions, he still addresses her as if he is giving her the opportunity to speak for herself. Although since the topic on the table is poop and more accurately the lack there of, I have a feeling even if she could speak, she’d probably leave this one up to me.

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When I turned 11 I had a big sleep over, my mom is the best when it comes to birthdays, a mere week away from Christmas she had anywhere from 7-10 girls sleep over and we all know sleep was no part of that party. I don’t remember much except we snuck out and t-pee’d some boys house (sorry mom) and giggled all through the night. What I do remember the most however was my big breakdown that happened somewhere between midnight and the dawn rising. I don’t know what tripped me, was it a whisper from some girls? An eye roll? Something triggered me and I was a mess of tears and snot with a couple of my besties by my side asking what was wrong. And I spewed it all out, “no one is having fun”, “this is the worst party ever”, “no one even likes me”. Every insecurity came falling out into my pillow while huddled under my sleeping bag on my living room floor. My friends assured me that wasn’t true and soon the whole group of girls were telling me that this was a great party and they do like me. I wiped my tears and I am sure we all fell into a deep sleep for a couple hours and I woke up embarrassed but thankfully no one spoke of that moment again, at least not to me or around me.

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“Instant Family is the perfect combination of hilarity, reality and it’s so heartfelt. It’s as all the forces came together in perfect harmony for this movie.”

Last night I was given the opportunity to attend an advanced screening of Instant Family that included a Q&A and meet and greet with Sean Anders afterwards, thanks to my new position as a contributor for East Valley Mom Blog. Boy was I thrilled! I had seen previews for the movie and couldn’t wait to see it.

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Every time I am trying to find a place to park I want to run for city council. My ONLY opposition will be to change the parking lots handicap parking to have some van accessibility access only spots and they should be in the middle of the lot so no one wants them. Leave the regular handicap spots up front. Just give us wheelchair van folks more yellow spacing lines. Oh and while I’m on city council I’ll make it a felony to park in the yellow spaces and it’ll be a life time sentence of community service patrolling parking lots. Oh just kidding. Or am I?

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