Calm Amongst the Chaos

Calm Amongst the Chaos??

Kim Nothdurft

May 8, 2018

I played basketball all the way though Jr High and High School, it took years to be semi decent at it. I was always yelled at by coaches to be “more aggressive”, to “be a tiger”, but it was hard for me to do that. Aggressive is not an adjective used to describe me. As I got older and more experienced I got better at basketball and although offense was definitely an easier side for me to play, I did get better with my defense. I got stronger, I learned how to box out and I have an enormous reach making blocks one of the best skills I had. It was fun, I played with my best friends and I have nothing but awesome memories of the sport. I still remember so clearly however one day after a game I was red faced, sweat slicking my hair back and I was talking to a friend who said “I just love watching you play, you are so graceful”. I was like what? Did you see my points? My blocks? I was hustling all over that court and you thought I looked graceful? I still chuckle thinking about it because in my head I was the tiger out there I was trained to be and yet from everyone else’s vantage point I was a giraffe leaping around the court.

I am not complaining. It’s not like she compared me to a bull in a china shop. Being accused of being graceful is not an offensible crime. But I didn’t want to be seen graceful. I wanted to be seen tough.

This is still my lot in life.

Wishing and Hoping and Waiting

Kim Nothdurft

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April 19, 2018

I love the movie My Best Friend’s Wedding. I am pretty sure I saw it in the theater multiple times and then on loop on VHS. I love the characters, the actors (hello! Julia, Cameron, Dermot and Rupert), the humor, the music, the story line. It’s just chick flick perfection. Of course the Oscars weren’t calling their name to stand up and accept an award in 1997, but all of us young women dreaming of our futures cared and that what mattered.

The very opening (pre Julia) scene is a bride and her bridesmaids singing the classic Wishin’ and Hopin’ in a cutesy 50’s style fashion. The bride is basically saying you won’t get a man just by wishing and hoping, and thinking, and praying, planning and dreaming each night. Oh no, you need hold him, kiss him, love him and show him that you care. And how you show him that you care is by wearing your hair just for him, and doing the things that he likes to do. Then you get the ring and hook, line and sinker. Ha! It’s so cute and silly. And then song gets stuck in your head in a very serious way.

I haven’t thought about the movie or that opening scene in a long time, but lately we are in a huge waiting period of our life and sometimes I will be humming.. Wishing and hoping, thinking and dreaming… and it gets in a loop. I kinda wish someone in a cute dress will sing to me and tell me how to get this wait over. Like maybe if I dress a little nicer. Pray a little harder. Maybe if I stand on my head and wiggle my legs. Just tell me and I will do it.

Yet we wait.

God’s Plan

Kim Nothdurft

6 comments

March 11, 2018

Dear God,

Thank you, please, please, please, please….

please , please, please, please..

In your holy precious name,

MY will be done.

Amen.

Oops I mean your will. Your will be done.

But God, can you please, please, please match yours to mine?

I don’t actually really trust your will. Your will scares the s*#t out of me. I’ve seen your will. I’ve seen it go seemly really bad. I think if you just see this from my perspective you will see that MY will be done is a whole lot better than yours. I mean, just this time. OK. Please.

Amen.

Living in fear in Arizona

Baby A

Kim Nothdurft

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July 27, 2016

So my last post was in anticipation to a huge life change and somehow that change has come. Actually 6 weeks ago.
I outta post more often.
So before we were even licensed to foster I got an email asking if we’d take in a 9 month old baby boy. I said, (with my heart beating out of my chest thinking it’s too soon) “sure, but we aren’t licensed” they said they knew and we’re working on it. That was a Thursday, the following Monday I had our licensing worker inspecting our home and meeting us, Tuesday we had our license and Wednesday we had baby A. in our homes stealing our hearts at first smile.
He wasn’t an abused baby, he didn’t come with lice or ringworm, he was actually Gerber baby squishy delicious and has a heart breaking smile that I know will tear us all apart.
What are we doing? How can I not ask myself that question every day as I rock him, feed him and stare into his almond shaped eyes. Every day that he throws a fit and demands the only cure is me holding him. Every moment he yells his sweet baby yell just because for 2 seconds our household isn’t totally focused on him.
What are we doing?
Multiple times a day I am told by others “I could never do that, I would get too attached”.
Funny thing is, we’re attached. We are doing this and we are attached. Probably too attached. Like so many fear. We were attached the moment the doorbell rang and I opened the door and my heart and we were all goners.
We are all attached and he is attached to us.

The Cat’s Out of the Bag

Kim Nothdurft

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April 14, 2016

About a year ago, long story short, we rescued some kittens. Little, dirty, angry kittens.
My sister and I split them up, she took two and named them Jack and Jill. We took two and named them Cinco and Mayo. Give you a hint what their “gotcha” day is 😉

Rescue mission

I love cats, I do. I can watch cat videos on YouTube all day long. We always had them growing up. My dad would say things like “I’m allergic”, or “they cause my asthma to get worse” all those little excuses for us not to have them, but they never worked. We always had cats.
But myself as the mom of my family we had gone many years without a cat. I had become OK with the no cats thing, no litter boxes to clean out. No cat food to buy. I kinda have a lot already in my life with 3 kids, a husband and 2 dogs so yeah I was really OK with the whole no cat thing and totally honesty here, I wasn’t “all in” when I brought these guys home. I wasn’t super excited we had kittens, I felt dread that I had 2 more responsibilities to add to my plethora of responsibilities.
Why did you bring them home then Kim? Well because my heart is often way bigger than my brain. It’s a thing.

Anniversaries

Kim Nothdurft

1 comment

April 7, 2016

Today is the one year anniversary of the scariest day/weeks of our lives. On this day, April 7th, last year Lily had her spinal fusion surgery. It was an awful day that turned into an awful 2 weeks. Well maybe an awful 6 months. Things happened we never expected. Our fears caught us off guard as they were rational fears. Believe me, I am used to irrational fears, but these were rational. She was a sick girl and it was hell to witness.

Andi Jane turns 11

Kim Nothdurft

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April 1, 2016

So somehow it’s been a year since I wrote this Andi Stuck in the Middle post.
One year. Like 365 days. Actually since it is April 1st it’s been more like 380 days or something. I’m not doing the math. There is no need. You do it. OK so I did the math.. 378 days.
But my point is somehow after all that marveling at the fact our middle girl was 10, well now she’s 11. What the heck.
Why do they keep getting older, it’s so unnerving.
So Andi Jane is now 11. Dude. 11.
She is still full of fire and crackers. She is light in the dark and can be a million shades of blue when she isn’t feeling what we are feeling.

Oliver’s 7!

Kim Nothdurft

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February 4, 2016

So 7 years ago today I went into labor after a pedicure and a castor oil root beer float. I did what I had to do. If he didn’t come before Friday the 6th I had a c-section scheduled and I didn’t want a c-section. So 7 years ago I, for the first time and with my third child finally went into labor naturally at home, well as natural as I could manage.
I didn’t really want him to come out. I knew it was my last pregnancy. I knew life as we knew it was gonna change. But I didn’t want that c-section and I heard that you really can’t stay pregnant forever.

I’d Always Choose You

Kim Nothdurft

1 comment

January 28, 2016

I’m waiting for the fog to lift. Or maybe I am waiting for my stomach to settle. I am wondering if I will wait the rest of my life for those things.

2016 has come and it didn’t get the memo. Sadly several stars names have been written all over social media with their too early dismissal from this world. And although it didn’t make the news feeds of everyone, my news feed was filled with the loss of not one, but two little girls who share the same genetic mutation as our Lily girl. CDKL5. Their names might not have made the national news, but their lives were great and they fought harder to live than they ever should have in the mere time they were with us. Harper, 5, and Sorrel, 15 months, both left this world this month and it’s been shocking and well to be honest, I don’t have the words because I don’t have the comprehension.

What hurts the most…

Kim Nothdurft

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December 23, 2015

Last night in the car Andi I were talking about maybe going on a hike if the weather clears up this nice long weekend we have ahead of us, and she said “oh yes please!” and I then said “we would have to see if Grandma would be able to hang with Lily while we go” and that’s when she dropped the truth bomb. The ones I like to avoid in order to just breathe. She says “that makes me feel like crying, always having to find someone to watch Lily so we can go on hikes and other things she can’t do. I just wish sometimes she was able to do everything we do”. And there it sat. That bomb of truth I keep circling around because if I keep things running smoothly and manageable and busy, I don’t have to focus on that deep hurt that sits in my chest. The one that has been there for 13 years and 4 months and will never ever go away.