Calm Amongst the Chaos

Mama of 5 seeking calm in the chaos

I love the movie My Best Friend’s Wedding. I am pretty sure I saw it in the theater multiple times and then on loop on VHS. I love the characters, the actors (hello! Julia, Cameron, Dermot and Rupert), the humor, the music, the story line. It’s just chick flick perfection. Of course the Oscars weren’t calling their name to stand up and accept an award in 1997, but all of us young women dreaming of our futures cared and that what mattered.

The very opening (pre Julia) scene is a bride and her bridesmaids singing the classic Wishin’ and Hopin’ in a cutesy 50’s style fashion. The bride is basically saying you won’t get a man just by wishing and hoping, and thinking, and praying, planning and dreaming each night. Oh no, you need hold him, kiss him, love him and show him that you care. And how you show him that you care is by wearing your hair just for him, and doing the things that he likes to do. Then you get the ring and hook, line and sinker. Ha! It’s so cute and silly. And then song gets stuck in your head in a very serious way.
I haven’t thought about the movie or that opening scene in a long time, but lately we are in a huge waiting period of our life and sometimes I will be humming.. Wishing and hoping, thinking and dreaming… and it gets in a loop. I kinda wish someone in a cute dress will sing to me and tell me how to get this wait over. Like maybe if I dress a little nicer. Pray a little harder. Maybe if I stand on my head and wiggle my legs. Just tell me and I will do it.
Yet we wait.

I wanted to wait for a ruling from the judge before I mentioned anymore about this journey, I like to be able to wrap things up in a bow. I always want to share my story after the fact. I want to grapple and wrestle with my life then come and say tada! I survived and here’s how. But my heart is saying write. Share. Spill it. My brain is saying not yet. The story isn’t over. My heart says the story won’t ever be over so share.
And guys as always my brain loses to this ridiculously bossy heart of mine.
We are in a period of waiting. And it SUCKS. For real. Like for real.
I know we are not the only ones in this time of waiting. We all have these moments. These hard moments in life where one phone call, one email, one spoken word can change the course of our entire life. A ruling, a test result, an upcoming appointment. Sometimes life flows and sometimes life rages. It’s raging right now and I honestly hate it.
But I did give it to God. I wrote that piece last month and I truly made confessions and I handed that over to God and let it go. And guys… the peace! The peace I was granted is worth more than any amount of anything anyone can give me. I was able to breath through March. We were able to breathe through 2 days of trial and God held us up the entire time. I saw him work in me in ways I would never ever imagine. He changed my lenses. I saw people I once saw intimidating; human, kind even. I felt a trust in people I questioned previously. I felt peace and heartbreak. I felt compassion that overwhelmed me. I sat in a courtroom wiping my eyes and nose in my sweater because I had, well no tissues, and no control over how my heart ached.
We listened to hard stuff. They spoke about the future of these little lives that don’t deserve to be talked about. Little lives that are so woven in every fiber of our family. Little lives the courts shouldn’t have ever even knew they existed. They deserve so much better. But there we were listening to their history with their future in the balance. We sat helpless, yet filled with peace. Peace I sought after so hard and found it in the only place it could ever be found.
I share that with you all because I know so many of us are seeking that peace. I found it in the hardest easiest place. Surrender. The hardest easy thing you’ll ever do. And I don’t even feel I need to explain what I mean by hardest easy. If you know, you know. Surrendering, laying it down. Once it’s done, it is done. You feel like it’s being slowly pulled from your tight grip, then you let go and you are free. I’m praising God for that experience. I know me. I know my crazy. This was the kindest gift that has ever been given to me.
But we are still waiting for the outcome from those trial days. We have been told what the outcome would be by many professionals that have spent way more days in court than this Dateline addict. But still we wait. Because until I hear it, see it, know it. I know nothing. I need knowing. Not speculation.
So we wait. And even with the peace it still sucks. It’s still a daily practice for me to continually hand it over. Each morning, each and every one. I seek him and I talk, and talk and talk and he is so so good to me I don’t even think he rolls his eyes even a little at all my talk.
But this is what it is. It’s seeking him in this time. It’s never relenting. It’s not letting my crazy sneak in. It’s intentional daily. And maybe that’s why it’s on my heart to share this. Because I know we are not the only ones in waiting. So many of us are wishing and hoping and waiting. We are thinking and dreaming and waiting. We are seeking this time to fly by, yet I don’t think he wants that. We need to push forward, draw near and fill up. Seeking his face purposefully and intentionally.
I am excited to share that story with the bow around it one day. But I am glad to share the story of right now as well. As the bow always looks pretty, but the person wrapping it, especially me with no artistic skills at all is a disaster and watching her tie the bow together is probably quite humorous. And sad. And hilarious. Because amongst the crazy, the frustrating and the sadness I like to dance. And sing. And be all kinds of silly and so that’s what I am looking like right now trying to wrap this bow that one day I’ll look back on and see it’s beauty but not so much in the bow itself but the process that put it so nicely together.
Also friends if you haven’t listened on repeat singing your heart out to Reckless Love by Cory Asbury in your car, you should. That and the Greatest Showman. You may want to catch a ride with someone else. It’s pretty ridiculous.



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