Thank you, please, please, please, please….
Oops I mean your will. Your will be done.
But God, can you please, please, please match yours to mine?
Hi… I am Kim and as much as I love Jesus I have realized I don’t trust him very well.
I spent years begging at his feet for a different outcome for our baby girl. His will was different than mine.
15 years later my prayers have changed for her and of course our acceptance of her is clear as a bright sunny Arizona day, but my heart will always be scarred because of her. Because her life is hard and I hate that. Because her life was not how I envisioned it being.
My will for her was not met.
God’s will was done and it is good.
As I have been in this waiting period and spending time in deep reflection on our life with Lily I have had two out of the blue moments with her. I got a facebook message the other day from someone who taught her Sunday School in the 5th grade. They moved away and she said she always has Lily on her mind. How Lily was such a blessing to be a part of their class and she just wanted to know how she was doing. She’s great, I wrote, and thank you for reaching out and reminding me once again how she is a life changer.
Will it take me until eternity to fully grasp his will for her? Yes. There are days I want to just talk to her and I can’t, and that will always hurt. Reminders like, for instance, that she should be getting her drivers permit this month, sucks. Always. So even on my best days I am working with, and will always be, a scarred heart.
People still get cancer, people so very close to me get cancer, so many children are in foster care, babies sometimes die even after we all pray with intensity that his will does not take this precious baby from my sweet friend.
So much on this life we will never fully understand or comprehend until we are face to face with him. The king of all kings. The alpha and the omega. I picture his big, gentle hands on my face and explaining to me my life. The ways my road went, some sweet, some too hard, and see it was all good. His will was good.
But until that moment I still have to live and love and flourish on this earth, I want to slay these years, not merely survive them. So how do we surrender our will to his. Even knowing it’s good. But also knowing it may not be ours? That’s the struggle.
I never used to have a problem going to the dentist until one day he put that Novocaine needle right into my nerve and I almost flew out of my seat. I thought I heard and saw the color red (yes that is what I said) and I would never be the same. Do you think after that I can sit in a dentist chair and get that shot without my heart palpitating? Heck no. I’m like a panicked goat. Please don’t hit my nerve, please don’t hit my nerve, I beg. Out loud. Like a panicked goat. One panicked goat that can speak. Did my tooth go numb and he fix my tooth? Yep. Do I hate going to the dentist now? Abso-freaking-lutely. Once bitten twice shy, right? I do not trust anyone with a needle in my mouth. I don’t. It’s created an anxiety in me that’s hard to go to the dentist now. But the Dentist ain’t God.
God is not the dentist. God gives us promises that are true and we can cling to, like for instance in Romans 8: 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
He promises us good if we trust in him. And so we try to trust him. And everyone says, trust God. So I try. But I am so often left unsure of what that truly looks like. How do I hand him this heavy burden and walk away from it? Like it’s easy to say thanks, here you go, but then a few minutes later say Umm… I’ll take that back. You really aren’t able to control the situation like I am in my head. Like a raving lunatic. That’s working better than trusting you on this. Actually God I choose my crazy over your peace.
And that is what I am practicing right now. Dropping that load off and walking the eff away. Sorry. I just need to walk away and throwing a little good girl with a rebel spirit “eff” in there feels better.
My friend Bob encouraged me to confess my rebel spirit.. And I have to be honest, I liked that I have a rebel spirit. I like that I stand firm and I have a lot of strength and it takes a lot to get me down. I am thankful for that rebel spirit I was given, but I also have learned it is a weakness in my relationship with God. I can’t rebel against him and his will and still say I trust him. I have to be all in or not. So while I will keep this rebel spirit, thank you very much, I will also continue to learn to where it is best used. Fighting wills with my God is not where it is best used. So I, as I was also encouraged, spent some time cuddled into God’s lap and confessed all this to him. I told him about how I don’t really care much for his will sometimes. Even when I KNOW he’s good. That I struggle with trusting his will and that I choose to trust him anyway. I am sorry for my disbelief. I am sorry for my inability to give it to him and leave it with him. And he listened. And I was finally able to take in this enormous peace that I have been begging for and unable to receive lately.
So I went seeking for guidance in this waiting period of our life. A huge waiting period that at the end will determine so much. It’s not a small thing. This is a big thing. And that guidance took me on a wild adventure in my own head and heart and relationship with God that I thought I had and that I thought was good. I am learning to trust God is not just a thing people say and you just do. It’s a practice. A practice I am allotting myself a lot of grace through, it is saying here is this burden and letting him have it and repeatedly throughout the day when I start to take it back from him I say NO and often out loud, I am sure I am all kinds of crazy, but I say NO! I say thank you for this time. Thank you for the laughs. Thank you for these sweet chubby hands we are responsible for right now. Thank you for the food we have to feed them. The diapers we have to change them. Thank you for all the funny things they say and do that give our whole family joy. We laugh so much in this house. Thank you for that.
And as my friend Bob says, “turn your worry into worship” and I am. I am each and every day. Many times a day and it is working. God has filled me with a beautiful peace. He’s also reminding me that his will for Lily is good. He knows me. He knows that is my Achilles heel and he is so tender with me and these reminders are like honey from the sky. Minus the bees.