Last night in the car Andi I were talking about maybe going on a hike if the weather clears up this nice long weekend we have ahead of us, and she said “oh yes please!” and I then said “we would have to see if Grandma would be able to hang with Lily while we go” and that’s when she dropped the truth bomb. The ones I like to avoid in order to just breathe. She says “that makes me feel like crying, always having to find someone to watch Lily so we can go on hikes and other things she can’t do. I just wish sometimes she was able to do everything we do”. And there it sat. That bomb of truth I keep circling around because if I keep things running smoothly and manageable and busy, I don’t have to focus on that deep hurt that sits in my chest. The one that has been there for 13 years and 4 months and will never ever go away.
I do a good job at accepting and loving and dealing with what we have. I adore Lily and accept her and know I would never be the person I am if she never was the person she is. Those are things I know. Those words are my Life Song. BUT I’d be lying if I said that her daily suffering didn’t cause an enormous ache in my heart. The thing that always leaves me yearning. The restlessness that never ceases. The gaping wound I keep bandaged so well others think it must be healed.
I told Andi, “I know.. it’s just our story. Our family.”
She said she knew and then quickly changed the subject and I grew quiet as we drove home.
It’s funny how as time goes on the things I crave to experience with Lily has changed. I still crave conversations with her. The “typical” mother daughter relationship I will never know with her. The fights over Iphones and friends and clothes (thing I know would drive me insane at the time, but still feels such a loss to not have) but what I think I crave most now is the sister relationship my girls don’t have. (I know people will say but your girls have a great relationship and they do. That’s not the relationship I am talking about)
I see sisters and have an intense craving for my girls to experience that bond in the usual way. I have a sister, my sister has two daughters, most my friends have multiple girls and I watch them and I am so jealous. And I hate to be jealous. I hate to waste any energy of jealousy, but when I am being honest, jealous is the word that comes to mind. It’s like the whole world is eating a hot fresh Bosa donut and you are gluten free. You watch them take that bite and you are starving and you can’t do anything but watch them lick their sticky fingers and pat their bellies and you kinda want to hit them over the head with your gluten free donut (which of course is as hard as a rock). It’s like that exact moment times a million that never goes away. And I never want to hit those sweet sisters I see. I just wanna yell at God a little.
But here is the deal, when I do yell a little at God (and I do), he hears me and it’s in those moments where I don’t think I can take another step, he carries me through. It happens every time I loose it and he listens and he lightens the load. And then I feel a sweet release and know I can pick up again and move forward again. Off to my hamster wheel till the next time the truth bomb is dropped.
I don’t know if it’s healthy to run til I break. Probably not. But I am not writing this as a self help post, I am simply sharing how my heart breaks and how it can feel a little better. Having hope is the only way I know how to survive this life we were given. I have so much hope in an eternal life and I have a vision of Lily and I on a bench one day in central park talking and laughing like we were never able to do here on earth (yes my heaven is late spring central park – to each their own) and knowing I have faith in God, I have hope in our eternity. And that is what moves me forward every day with a sense of joy some others may wonder how it is possible. So yes I hurt, hard, I hurt hard. Yes I feel sucker punched moments, but I also feel joy and I feel hopeful when I know who to hand that hurt to.
C.S. Lewis said “I learned now that while those who speak about ones miseries usually hurt, those who keep silent hurt more”.
I share my heart break because it makes it hurt less.
Merry Christmas – Cheers –
Some may like a little cheerier Christmas posts. But as my Andi would say #sorrynotsorry