It was a moment I heard a calming voice within my soul, I remember the exact time, where I was, what I was doing. The whisper was clear and profound. I was praying “God please stop her suffering” and in return I heard a whisper from deep inside asking, “whose suffering?” I stop, I think and I say “Me … Me.. I am ….” each seizure I watch her go through I am suffering. Each time her body convulses and she is lost to me, I am suffering. The instant was so clear and so real and all perspective changed in that moment. I cried “Me Lord, help MY suffering”.
So here we are months later and not much has changed with Lily. To be honest, things have gotten worse. Seizures are worse, we suspect she is having circulation problems and in November she was very sick with pneumonia. There is still suffering. But there is also peace. My perspective has changed, once again, it’s a never ending roller coaster when you are mom to a special needs child. Darkness and light can interchange in a moment. But the realization at that exact time of who I was really praying for, who I was crying out about and I say it is her… and it is her…. but it is often selfishly me. It is me who is hurting, it is me who is suffering. It is me who is wishing and it is me who is hoping. Those things never change. But once I got real with myself and confirmed exactly what I was truly wanting, her to get better FOR ME, my heart made a switch.
Now I still pray each day for Lily to be comforted. I still pray the seizures are manageable. But I also pray for me. I pray that I have faith that God has his hands all over us, guiding me in my parenting not just care taking for Lily, but parenting her and her brother and sister. Do I worry still, at times yes, but I also have a quietness inside me that comforts me when it gets to be too much. I have a peace that passes all understanding.
I continue to pray for this peace that carries me and comforts me. I can look at Lily and see in her face peace. I know God has given this precious girl a great gift. I should be more proud of this sweet girl we have been given and not worry so much with all the things she can’t do and the things I think she is missing out on.
I am happy to have heard that whisper in my soul that put perspective in my life and turned my heart towards the direction it needs to head in and stay in.