Calm Amongst the Chaos

Mama of 5 seeking calm in the chaos

There is something no one tells you when you have your third baby. I know when you have your second you worry “can I love another child as much as my first?” everyone reassures you that yes you can, you will be surprised at how easy it is to love that second baby. So when that comes true and you realize yes I do love my second as much as my first, you think the third will be no problem. If I love my second as much as my first, I will love my third as much as one and two. And you do, no doubt about it. I am not one of those people who have a hard time attaching to their children, I feel desperately sorry for those that do, that is not my problem. What my problem is the lack of time you want to put into your third and the actual amount of time you have to do so. If I didn’t breast feed Oliver I swear we’d never have any one on one time. I am so glad we do have that time. Honestly at dinner, Andi Jane often feeds him his cereal while I feed Lily. It makes my stomach turn and I am filled with guilt and regret. You constantly feel like you aren’t giving one the attention they deserve and of course neither is two and definitely not number three. It is this feeling of constantly chasing my tail. I used to remember every birthday, anniversary, send cards on time, have clean clothes for everyone, dinner on the table, but I am barely keeping one foot in front of the other with clean underwear on.
I am not complaining I am just being truthful. And wanted to brag about what an awesome husband I have who is currently away with Lily and Andi Jane in the mountains. They left on Friday (in our super sweet new van) and will return this evening. That gave me and Oliver about 52 hours of just us time. We spent it singing, giggling, eating home made baby food (him not me), browsing Target, taking pictures, giving him a bath, keeping the TV off and listening to music. His naps gave me time to clean and read magazines and keep up with my farm on Facebook 😉
Now everyone will be back in a few hours and this week is filled with therapies for Lily, gymnastic camp for Andi, dance and swim and not a whole lot of time for anything but those things, but having weekends like this (and this is the 3rd since Ollie was born) gives me the energy and the power to get through this week without the tremendous guilty feeling that one of my kids is missing out on a part of their mama.
I love my hubby for helping me be the best mom I can.

**Oliver is not only crawling and sitting but trying to pull up to stand on things! I really would like to stop all this from happening. And while he is super fast in the motor department, speech wise he seems about were he is supposed to be. I’d love to start hearning some babbling since of course I worry about that kind of stuff, but I am pretty sure he is going to be just fine. I guess you can’t develop all skills at once or he’d be super freaky.
**Went to neuro this week and he was funny. He asked why we were out of emergency klonopin wafers, since her seizures were pretty well under control and asked if I gave them to Lily for being “pissy” when I said no, then he asked if I were taking them (which he also said, “it’s ok”). Once I told them no I was not taking them I was using them for her to sleep when we were on vaca (the child is a vampire and wakes everyone up otherwise) so he gave her a script for valum and said he’d prefer her to take that to sleep. He also reassured me a lot of neuro kids sleep poorly and it is ok. AND we found out her VNS battery has died. Not sure when but we now have to decide if we want to put in a new one. I have a list of plus and minus and haven’t made a decision yet. I can further discuss this in another post. Oliver is getting into all my magazines and seems a little bit peeved about the taste of them**

This is us this weekend:

One thought on “Unspoken Truth

  1. Lesley says:

    It is so nice that you got precious time alone with you little one. They grow up much too fast, don't they? The good thing is that the 'babies' of the family have the older siblings to fill in the stimulation gap when we parents are so busy. At least that's what I tell myself 🙂

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