Calm Amongst the Chaos

Andrew decided at almost 5 years old, Andi Jane was ready for her first snowboarding trip. I was a bit nervous, but Andrew is very skilled at snowboarding and he is a good father so I let go a bit and tried to relax not thinking about my baby girl flying down a hill of ice on one board. One small little board that happens to go really fast down hills of ice.
It’s amazing how much you take for granted when you have it with you at all times. I rarely give my husbands shout outs because in my eyes I think it goes with out saying, but maybe it shouldn’t.
This weekend it was Lily, Oliver and me. When I am home bound with the two non walkers I don’t get out much. It is way too much work. I did try to return some shoes at the mall while Lily spent time with her hab worker. That didn’t go to well. The gal at ALDO was an idiot or their return policy is idiotic, whatever the case all that ended up happening was I yelled at a stranger and then had to go back home. With my shoes that are too big for me. With two receipts in hand btw.
We managed a couple walks because the weather here is freaking awesome but that was about it. I got to sit and feed two mouths by spoon three meals a day, not to mention snacks and drinks. I had to bathe two people, dress two people, put two people to bed. I did get to spend some time mastering my Wii golf and tennis skills after they went to bed but all in all it was pretty boring. Don’t get me wrong here, let me throw in my disclaimer, I love Lily and Oliver. Of course I do. But they aren’t much for conversation and with Andrew and Andi Jane both gone it is very quiet in the house. Well except for when Jake on the challenging team in tennis was kicking my booty. Then I got a little riled up. But that doesn’t count.
Now they are back. Apparently Andi Jane is an old pro at snowboarding and her and Andrew had a great time also Andrew thinks you will be seeing AJ at the X Games in a few years, he dreams such small dreams. I am now trying to write while Andi keeps picking up Oliver while he screams at her. Lily is rolling on the floor and Andrew is playing my Wii and I feel so much more comfortable now. The loudness feels like home. Lifetime has been shut off and football is on, but that is ok, that means my husband is home. There is yelling in my ear and that is ok because it means my rambunctious girl is back where she belongs.
When I went back in my journey I failed to mention who was by my side the entire time. I don’t really think I was leaving him out because he isn’t there; I left him out because he is always there. We are yin and yang. There is no me with out him. I am not the mother I am with out him being the father he is. He is the full glass to my not so full glass. And when he is gone, even when he is doing something with his child, being all he can be as a father, I miss him and want him home. I want him at the table with me, feeding the baby while I feed Lily. I want him telling me funny stories about his friends. I want him telling me about his new favorite song, because it will be the number one song on the countdowns not much after he tells me about it. He is a music nostradamus.
So if he is not mentioned, it doesn’t mean he is far from my heart, actually quite the opposite. He is quietly steering the wheel on this road of life. Sometimes I wish he’d share his feelings on Lily here and how he got to the place of acceptance with her, but his story is so simple. She was born and he accepted her. She had her first seizure and he accepted her. She never hit those typical milestones, he accepted her.
It is me who has to psychoanalyze it all. The one who has to write out her feelings to the world to figure out why and how I feel the way I feel. He is a true rock star and I simply adore him for the man he is.
Now if you’ll excuse me I am off to kick his ass in tennis on the Wii.
And they said we wouldn’t last… no really they did.