Calm Amongst the Chaos

Mama of 5 seeking calm in the chaos

Anyone watch Modern Family last night? Gloria having to celebrate dates of everything. First kiss, first time she cooked for Jay, etc. And of course Jay, the husband, having no clue as to what they are celebrating that night just goes along with it. I had to laugh, well I always have to laugh at that show, but especially because I am like Jay. Dates, unless it’s a birthday or an anniversary (and even those are slippery for me) just don’t phase me. If Andrew and I didn’t meet on New Year’s Eve I can’t promise I would have remembered even that date. The anniversary of Lily’s first seizure doesn’t do anything to me. Just the fact my 3 week old had a seizure gets to me. So yesterday when my sister said, “It’s November 3rd..oh man that is when Grandma passed away”, I was taken back. When Grandma Norma passed away Lily was on one of her long hospital stays. Andrew’s mom, Grandma Cheryl, stayed with Lily in the hospital so I could visit Grandma Norma at another hospital. She was only 69 years old and if she wouldn’t had been so addicted to those stupid cigarettes I’d swear she’d still be around feisty as all hell. I told her that night I loved her and she said it back to me and not too many hours later I got a call in Lily’s hospital room that she was gone.
Grandma Norma was feisty, she loved sports, she had a very strong opinion on everything and wouldn’t even hear out the others side. She was competitive and loosing wasn’t an option. She was funny and had a smile that lit up a room. But man if she didn’t like your outfit, or the name of your baby she’d let you know.
I feel cheated loosing her so early. My kids never got to know her. She would have been so blessed by Lily. I’m sure she’d have a cure for her as well knowing her, I’m sure she’d know who to blame for CDKL5 and what to do fix it. And Andi Jane, her namesake (Norma Jane), and her would have been the best of friends. She would have just gotten a kick out of Andi Jane and I just know those two would have been kindred spirits. I still think they are. And Ollie. She probably wouldn’t have liked his name very much and I am sure she would have told me so. But she would have loved him and his cuddles and I can almost hear her say his name.
So maybe I don’t remember dates because if I remembered every date of something bad that happened I’d have a hard time doing my best to be thankful and joyful.
Today in MOPS we had some wonderful “mentor moms” talk to us about being thankful in a time that it is almost difficult to be. To be thankful IN everything we do, even if we aren’t thankful FOR everything that happens.
I’ve made mention of this being a rough year, specifically a rough summer. I cannot share the details as it is not solely my story to tell and I would need permission and participation to share and we aren’t ready for that. I can say that our marriage had been tested and tried. But with lots of changes, prayers and faith in God we are making the best decision we can make and work through this together and I pray one day be stronger together than ever before. But today in MOPS I was a sad blubbering fool because my heart was spoken to. It is so hard to be thankful for hurt. To be thankful for pain. But I have to learn and know that I must be thankful to God that he is there for me through everything. And even if we are left wondering why us, why me, why did this happen, I have to remember I will know why and it may not be for years later, but I will know why we had to have this hurt. Just like with Lily and even with the struggles I have with Andi. There are always reasons for our pain and it will be made clear to us one day.
So I am thankful for the 2×4 God hit us with this summer. It made us realize what we have to loose. Not to take anything for granted and to remember God first in our marriage and only with God first can we get there.
Currently life is stressful, busy, Lily’s seizures are out of whack. But I have Lily. And her seizures aren’t life threatening. And she doesn’t complain about them like she really should. Life is hectic because I am trying to work and be a mom, but how many people out there can’t find a job? I wish I could just stay at home all the time with my kids but I am thankful that I was able to for such a long time. I know we’ll get back there.
So I am going to try to keep in mind, especially this month of Thanksgiving, to remember to give thanks for the things I do have and the things I love so much. And even the stupid things that piss me off and made me sad. So with all that said wish me luck! 🙂

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