Calm Amongst the Chaos

Mama of 5 seeking calm in the chaos

I would like to retract my whole last post. I pride or blush myself on my honesty. I find myself relating to others when I am honest. But what is honesty truly? Like say I don’t like your dress and I say I don’t like your dress, then follow it up with what I am just being honest. But is that really honesty? That is just sharing your rude opinion. It isn’t really honesty. But when I say Lily’s seizures break my heart. That is honesty. Relating honesty. But when I go on a tirade about a frustrating day, maybe that isn’t really being honest. Well it is, it is being honest in the sense of this is how I am feeling, but kids staring doesn’t always make me so grumpy. Actually normally they don’t. It was like I let insecurities build and threaten me and then I blow off steam and vent in my blog and then cover it up with hey I am just being honest. I didn’t like that post. I debated hitting publish post and then regretted it. And you wanna know why I regretted it? Because I knew I wasn’t really being honest. See that word again. I wasn’t being honest completely. I was venting and when we vent we just go nuts and say things we don’t necessarily mean to say. But I am glad I was well aware of my nuttiness and glad at least I was 100% truthful on that aspect.
But see in my gut I knew I wasn’t right in my post. I was taking out my “I have a special needs kid” card and trumping others with it. I carry that card in my back pocket and use it freely and I do hate that about myself. I will let myself get into a pity party and want to trump others who I feel don’t carry as heavy of a cross as I do. But that is so dumb! Ugh! So dumb. I need to throw that card away. We are not special. Yes our family has different circumstances than others, but don’t we all? I remember my friend, another special needs mom, texted me and asked us if we want to go camping with them and I replied, “dang I can’t use my typical I can’t I have a kid in a wheelchair excuse with you” and we both laughed. Well I assume with both did. I laughed and she said LOL. But that is how I roll. Say no to things that will be too difficult because we have special circumstances. This is something I somehow shed light on (all by myself) and so glad I did. I know each day I grow and learn and if I don’t I am loosing out. I am learning every day and I hope to one day know it all and rule the world. Just kidding. I just want to rule myself. Own myself. Trust myself and respect myself. I want to know my limits and stretch them. I want to never be too comfortable and always be willing to do more. Speaking of we said yes to camping this year. Yes STRETCH. HUGE STRETCH.
I am totally off track and wanted to share why I retracted my last post. So….I post this post. My kids are great. They know better than to stare or to ask questions. They aren’t rude or nosy. RETRACTION. Isn’t God awesome. You think you know it all and then you go to Target (don’t judge me and my Target, ps shouldn’t I get some royalties by how often I mention my happy place?) with your 4 year old and your 8 year old and you are so busy, stressed and at your limit that you pay no attention to the fact the person that is checking out your lane is a little person. Sweetest guy. I see him all the time. (at Target, don’t judge) always makes my day seeing him and how kind he is. BUT I wasn’t prepared for what happened with my 4 year old whom I told the world was better than others who point and stare. Let me just say this was the most excruciating check out in a mothers history. I never have a few items either. Oh my gosh. Andi is my sweetness, my love, my helper, she tells him hi, she helps him bag. She makes small talk with him and then there is Oliver. Oliver who says “MOM! MOM!” “Look at that little guy!” “MOM!” “Mom! Look at what his feet are standing on!” “Mom… Mom.. MOM! LOOK!” Oh my goodness. I am trying everything, honey say hi. Yes sweetie, do you need to go potty? Go potty.. Go find another family please (just kidding, didn’t say that) I was red, I was flustered. I was dying. Andi finally said “Oliver can you go throw your trash away in that trash can” which sent him away for about 5 seconds and then we are finally leaving and I am dying, I give a weak smile to this guy and as we walk away Oliver says.. “Mom! Dad is way bigger than that guy”.
I don’t even know what to do or say. God said Kim, oh no. You are not who you said you were. And I said you are right God. Holy crap, you are right.
So then we talk, and talk and talk to Oliver. Andi and I both. We tell him we are all different, just like sissy is different. Some people are small, some are tall. And we go home and read some more Todd Parr. Oh my heavens. Let me just say that was excruciating. EXCRUCIATING. And I am sorry. So sorry for my last post. And so sorry Target guy. We will come through your line again and I promise I will do better. My child will do better. Sigh.
So the day after that experience we go to CHURCH. It is Good Friday and we have something called an Easter Walk for the kids, it explains all the events, acted out, leading up to Easter Sunday. So wonderful for kids and I just love it. After the walk kids are coloring and I am giving Lily some cookies. Then a crowd of little girls we didn’t know just stood around Lily, staring. And the first couple seconds I felt unnerved. I felt protective over my Lily. Then in a moment grace washed over me and I knew that if I don’t tell these girls about Lily they will continue to just stare and never know. If I don’t teach them, who will? So I say, “Hi! This is Lily” and then the questions start coming, “why doesn’t she walk?”, “can she talk?” and I explain to them simply that she is different and they say “oh” and then a friend comes up to the girls and says, “Oh that’s Lily! She is my friend” and at that moment my heart melted. It was mush. Had I stood there being annoyed, or turned Lily from the stares I would have missed that precious moment where Lily was explained and understood by a peer her own age. Oh the blessing that moment was to me.
So I am learning. I am moving forward. I am not going to let myself pull out that card in my back pocket. I am going to be more conscious. I am going to be more graceful. I am so glad that I did write that post, just so the following events could happen in a way that I saw them so differently. God is so good. Be thankful for the uncomfortable situations that help you to know and understand and grow from.
But I never want to relive that check out line again. Ever.

4 thoughts on “Retraction of the Biggest Kind

  1. Honesty comes in many forms.Venting can be theraputic-and you're right…sometime later, we reevaluate our venting. Occasionally, we decide that it was helpful, but otfen, it's reflective. Still honest-just clearer. Thanks for posting.

  2. Jamie Tersinar ( Diepstraten) says:

    Kim I learn so much through you posts/vents… but the most important thing that I learn, is that you are such an amazing and inspiring person! No matter what life throws at you and your fam… you ALWAYS come out a better person/mother/human being! You are an inspiration to me and I pray more often then not, that God will give me the strength to look at life as you do. Love you cousin!!!!

  3. Mel says:

    When my now-19 year old was 2 or 3, we were at a Blockbuster video store. I saw a little figurine of one of the seven dwarves on the checkout counter. I told her “Look, a dwarf”. I wish I had said something like “Look, one of the 7 dwarves” to make it clear that that's what I was referring to, because upon hearing what I had said, a furious-looking little person came forward from behind the checkout computer and said in a stern voice “May I help you?” Like I would ever say something stupid like “Look, a dwarf” upon seeing a little person, but that's what he thought. To make it clear what I had been referring to, I picked up the figurine and said something like “Is it Sleepy or Dopy?” to my daughter, but the cashier was still looked angry. I still cringe when I think of this incident.

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