Calm Amongst the Chaos

Mama of 5 seeking calm in the chaos

I’m getting old. Not in, I need to find a place for assisted living, I am just coming to terms that High School was a lot longer of a time ago than I think it was. I’m the baby of my family so I really am not allowed to even say this out loud. They say oh you’re just a baby. Wait til your 40.. 50…60.. But even when I get to 40 they will say wait til your 50… there is no winning. But what I am learning is that I am getting older. A few signs have crept up on me lately. I am only 34, but I have had 3 kids and I think somewhere there is a golden rule about each kid aging you by something, I think something like dog years… then add all the time we spent in the hospital with Lily and time spent worrying about her and you know I am about up to 80 life years.

OK in all seriousness I just think the signs of my age are finally starting to hit.

For example… no sneeze is safe. Jumping is not safe. Even if you are in jump rope competitions pretending to be much younger than you actually are. Not safe. If you don’t get this, you will.

Crying happens. Like all the time. It doesn’t matter what I am doing something will make me cry.

All those goofy faces I make when speaking causes wrinkles on my forehead. One big crease that is there indefinitely, unless I get Botox, but then I can’t talk with goofy facial expressions any more… wait… that might not be a bad idea.

Zits. Yup I still got em. But I am thinking it is the amount of grease I produce that keeps me from having too many wrinkles so 15 year old me… quit whining. It’ll pay off. Just stop making those goofy facial expressions.

The expression “youth is wasted on the young” makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE NOW. And you find yourself mumbling it often.

Alcohol, it’s not for a fun night out, it a glass of wine and the remote control after the kids have gone to bed.

And fun nights out. They last til 9pm.

Your weight. The metabolism you bragged about all your life just turned its back on you.

Your mom. She was right about everything.

As I think about all the changes I have made over the years I like to think they have bettered me, humbled me for sure. As for those kids that cause the wrinkles and stress break outs and alcohol dependence (just kidding). They have made me learn to love deeper, to try harder, to worry more and trust God so much better. They have molded me more than I have them I think. And I look back at my mom who molded me and taught me and annoyed me and I think she was right. I should have moisturized every night. I should drink more water. Stand taller. Smile always. Pray hard. Entertain others. Listen to others. Share my thoughts and feelings without regret. Be honest. Understand all points, but stand firm on my own. Care for others, but learn to care for myself.

We all get older. If you don’t well then you die. So although there are many things that can annoy us, make us feel defenseless against it, we also get wiser, we understand deeper, we see things differently. I wouldn’t go back to 20 if you paid me. I’d like my old body, but certainly not the girl inside who had no clue who she was. I still lack confidence in myself. I lack faith in doing things right, but I have come a long way and I pray that I will continue to grow and age gracefully. And I know if I am letting God steer this ship of life we will get where we need to be.

PS not one grey hair yet. Boom!

Happy Mother’s Day to all! To those who have loved someone from the moment they were in your arms, biological or not. To those who taught, who prayed for and loved children, Happy Mother’s Day. Happy Mother’s Day to my friends, my sister, my sister in laws, Grandma Betty, my aunts, my mother in law, and my mom! I hope we all get what we want! (ps a massage and a morning where you get them all up and ready while I sleep, or play candy crush, I think we all know who that was for)

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