Calm Amongst the Chaos

I know better than to put expectations on things. On people. I know better. But I do it anyway.

I think that is why I end up never really enjoying special days. I end up having better Mondays because I expect Monday’s to suck and when they don’t I’m happy.

But Mother’s Day, I don’t expect world peace, but I guess a little sanity would be appreciated. But it didn’t happen yesterday. The day started great, sweet gifts, lots of love and hugs, Andi Jane made chocolate chip pancakes that were really good. Andrew helped with the flipping, but otherwise she pretty much did them on her own and cleaned up. That was awesome! Church was good, I had to work in the baby room the next service and that was great. I had two girls snuggle on my lap the whole time. One fell asleep. If you know me you know I love holding sleeping babies. I was made to snuggle sleeping babies.

Then we get lunch with my family and that was nice too, but I was starting to get frustrated that Lily was on her about 5^thseizure by then. And they just kept coming. It seemed like they were hitting every 30-60 min all day.

The kids fought in the van.

At home there was more fighting, more seizures, and then while dealing with one issue I hear Oliver screaming a pain cry and find him at the bottom of the stairs where he tumbled down to. I was so scared but he was ok. Scared, but ok.

Then Andi says while I am doing laundry “Mom, don’t stress, but I forgot I am star student this week and need a poster board of my life done by tomorrow morning” eek.

And Lily is still seizing this awful pattern so Andrew takes the kids to the store, I give Lily a klonopin that makes her finally rest and I sit on the couch and fold laundry and think what the heck. This sucks.

Did I mention my grandpa passed away on Friday? He was suffering with COPD and I know he is now with Grandma and their daughter Karen, but it was still a shock, as death always is, so sudden and final.  I guess shoving it down to deal with the rest of my crazy life kinda caught up and I was sad. I was upset, I was scared, I was overwhelmed and I was also happy that day.

As I sit and fold laundry, and wipe my tears I reflect on everything and I realized all these emotions are what make life, life. What makes us moms. We can want to strangle a kid one moment and in the next second want to hug and kiss them. We experience peaks and valleys often on the same day and we work harder than we ever imagined, we love deeper than we thought was ever possible and we feel like failures more often than not.

So while I sat feeling sorry for myself that I wasn’t getting the Mother’s Day I expected in my head, I was experiencing motherhood in the way only we mothers know how to experience it. So yeah it was Mother’s Day. It was a heck of a one. I’d like one with massages, champagne and being all alone, but those days will come. Yesterday was Mother’s Day in its truest form and by golly why would I not experience it just like that? We survived it, I survived it. I will have more, God willing, and I know and trust that I experience days like this so when an unexpected super awesome Monday happens, I know how awesome it really is.

Oh did I mention my night ended with my dog biting me? Yup, that happened.

Lord please keep reminding me that expectations only end up ruining what precious gifts you have for us. Thank you for my abundance of blessings that fill my life. Keep my attitude right and my heart in line and thank you for loving me the way you do.