Calm Amongst the Chaos

I had to make a heart breaking decision on Friday and put down our family member, Hailey. She was about 12 and had lived with us for 7 years. She started going downhill and fast and it was the right thing to do for her, but it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was with her when she went and reassured my love for her and let her know she was the best dog we have ever had or have ever known.

Grief is a strange thing. It is like a shadow hanging over your shoulder. Friday I was useless. Going an hour with out crying was impossible. Being home was miserable. Saturday was a little better, but still gut wrentching. She wasn’t the places she should have been. Cleaning out her dog dish was so hard. She used to love to eat, she used to be over weight. By the end you could almost see her ribs. Andi said at one time “Mom, Haily is shrinking”.

I’m pretty sure the lump will stay in my throat for a few more days. Talking aloud about it is really too much at this point. It is so weird to not have her in our home when she was there every single day for over 7 years.

It was Andrew and my first joint loss. Someone we both cared deeply for and we held each other and just cried. She was honestly and truely our family member and we miss her dearly.

I start to feel ok and am about our every day life again, but the feeling I have is hard to describe. It is like a feeling that clings to me. I turn a corner and she isn’t where she is supposed to be and my stomach drops.

I know Lily loved Hailey, they had a cool bond. Lily would reach out to pet her when she wouldn’t reach out for anything else. Hailey was very protective of her and when she was feeling better awhile back she would always sit right on the floor right next to Lily and her therapists as if to say “I dare you to touch her” she was a gentle dog with a sweet spirit and good heart, but also protective of her family. I haven’t felt as safe these past two nights.

I am struggling and I will continue to do so. Everyone in our house feels like if we get a new dog we will feel better, but I don’t think so. I am not ready to move on. Hailey deserves more and well, I don’t do puppies well. I want to take our time and find the right dog for Lily. Even if we have to pay a little bit more, I want to get a companion for her. Not a service dog though, I want it to be a family dog that is all of ours, but great with Lily. There is no need to rush this. I did however adopt a kitten yesterday. 🙂 Cats are a whole different ball park than dogs.

We miss you Hailey. Our life will never be the same without you.

This is the most recent picture I have of her. You all are lucky I don’t have a scanner or you would see her life in pictures 🙂