Calm Amongst the Chaos

Mama of 5 seeking calm in the chaos

Whenever I find myself chatting with a second grader I am always surprised by how bright they are and I enjoy every minute of our conversation. Then when we stop talking and I go along my way, my heart starts to sink a little bit. I can’t help but feel sorry for the greatest loss that we have and that is Lily’s voice. No matter how ok I am with her special needs, the wheelchair, the seizures (well sort of ok with), the pooping problems, and everything that goes along with her, it is the loss of her voice that I just can’t seem to ignore or get over. It is something that trips me up at the least expected moments and I don’t get angry. I just feel sad. Some reason today as been a rough day. I know I will snap out of it and writing will help me do so, but I’m just going to take some time to mourn the loss of what I was supposed to have. No matter how many kids we have and all the milestones they succeed easily, it will never replace what Lily can’t do.
There is a Christian song that even mainstream music listeners have probably have heard and it is called “I can only imagine” and in that song he talks about what he will do when he stands before Jesus. He says “Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel Will I dance for you Jesus or in honour of you be still Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all I can only imagine.” That song has a double meaning to us because we wonder that about Lily, will she dance and sing praises. Will she finally be able to do all the things on earth she never could? And it makes me think that one day, hopefully in a long time from now, Lily and I will be sitting on a park bench surrounded by pearly gates in a setting similar to central park in late spring, and we will be talking. We will be laughing. We will be singing. We will make up for all those years she just listened to me and I will listen to her. I will relish in the sound of her voice. And laugh at all the jokes she will tell me and tears will flow, and finally not from sadness, but from pure joy. I pray that day is very far away, but I do have to say I look forward to it.

5 thoughts on “I Can Only Imagine

  1. Oh Kim. I don't really have any proper words but my heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine. (((hugs))

  2. Erica says:

    hi therei so get it. I had one of those weekends fantasizing about activities we would be doing, things she would be saying and how much fun it would be to hear her form a sentence. I cry to just think for a second what we are missing. I guess the only thing that helps me is to remember that she is here and she is happy and healthy (relatively speaking)-not in the hospital with a terminal illness. it doesnt always work and i think we just have to be sad sometimes! what a well written post. thank you!

  3. Chase says:

    But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.Phil 3:20-21

  4. sunkist33 says:

    Many (((hugs))) Kim…

  5. Jennifer says:

    Many times my husband and I have had the same conversation..our time here on Earth will be very short in comparison with our eternal life…we'll have many many days – well forever to hear exactly what our kiddos have to say…a very happy thought indeed!!! – from Adam's mom:)

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