Calm Amongst the Chaos

There is a line in a song by Gary Allen with the line “life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride”. And sure it may sound cliché, a little corny even, but are truer words ever spoken?
I don’t know anyone with a perfect life. Sure I know some who have had it easier than others, but we all go through trials. We all have had our hearts broken. And honestly hurt hurts. We can’t really measure our hurts, there is no stick to do so, life hurts.
I look back at my life. I look back at lives of those I love and I think how did we survive? How are we smiling today? Yet we did, we are. Life is about the living and living as best as we can. Holding resentments and anger only inhibits us from moving forward. I read in a book once a line that really rang true “holding onto anger towards someone is like hitting yourself in the head over and over again and expecting the other person to get a headache”. So true. It’s been a tough year for me. Probably one of the toughest ever, yet today I can say I have a smile. I have joy in my heart. I hold no hate or contempt in my heart for anyone. And I can say that to you with the most sincerity. Did that just vanish, did I hide it? Nope. I worked through it. I worked though it over and over again. It is the same thing with Lily. Every single birthday I am reminded of all we don’t have with her, yet I don’t spend that entire year thinking of that thought. I give myself a day, sometimes it takes all day, sometimes it just takes a few moments, but I let myself have those moments, then I remember the light that Lily offers and thank God for what we have. I deal with my past year in the same way. Sure there are moments, sometimes days and it used to be weeks I got stuck. Stuck on thoughts, stuck on anger, stuck on hurt. But then I look at the world that unfolded in front of us now and I see a family I never saw before. I see a marriage that I never saw before. I see that we took the wrong road in life. I have taken a lot of wrong roads, but we still seem to find ourselves back where we belong. I know a lot of things happen and things change you. But it is up to you how you are changed. I will never be a naive young woman, do I miss her, sure of course sometimes, but I didn’t choose bitter, I chose experienced. I choose wiser. Some days sure, I feel rained on. But it doesn’t last. There are days I get to spend a day at the water park with just Andi and we will play all day and just live in the moment and get pizza and ice cream and talk about our day and about 1st grade and all her friends, and I think this moment is brought to you by a great attitude.
I know I have not had it as bad as others. All I know is what I have been dealt. All I know is what I feel; all I know is how I handled it all. And who am I kidding, I’m only 30…. Ok 32, I will be dealt a lot more, but what I do know is who I have in my corner, and who is cheering me on and who carried those burdens for me on his back.
No,life aint always beautiful. Tears will fall sometimes. Life aint always beautiful
But it really is a beautiful ride.