Calm Amongst the Chaos

I’ve been wanting to share what happened to Lily last week, but I guess not too much since I haven’t.
It was an awful experience and sharing it really doesn’t make me feel any better.
Last Sunday we were all ready for church, I had Lily showered, looking adorable and all strapped in her chair. That isn’t all that common on a weekend. I am usually far more relaxed and have less straps on her, but last Sunday she had the full harness and all.
I was still getting Oliver’s shoes on so Andrew takes Lily to load her up, and as I sit and talk to Oliver about how his feet have grown and he needs new shoes, I hear Andrew screaming “Kim!” “Kim!” I hear Lily making weird noises and in seconds I think, she having a seizure? Why is he yelling about a seizure? Then he opens the door, wheel is off her chair and her face is all bloody.WHAT?! I am trying to understand what is happening as he is yelling, she fell, her brakes, stupid chair, wheel.. all these words are flying around my brain but nothing is sticking. My baby is crying and bleeding. I run to get a wet towel and start to wipe her off and my tears just start falling. I am shaking, Andrew is shaking, I am crying and Andi Jane is bawling. We were all a wreck trying to clean her off. I take her out of the chair, take her to the floor, get her ice and really access the damages. It appears she has road rash on the side of her head and seemed to have bitten her lip, which is where all the blood was coming from.
She is acting fine, stopped crying and I start asking Andrew, what happened. He says he put on her brake, went to start the van and her chair just went down the driveway (inclined) and we have no ramp at the end of the driveway, just a large bump and baby girl just fell forward. The wheel came out on impact which I guess is why she went to the side more than face planted. I had asked Andrew to fix the brake (again) on Friday and he did, but it just kept coming loose. We were so mad. Mad at the chair, at the sidewalk. At ourselves.
It was the worst. I called neuro and they said we should take her to the ER for a CT just in case so I did. And she was fine. All checked out. And by the next day it was as if nothing happened… to her.
We were all scarred and damaged however.
We have one job with Lily and it is to keep her safe. We failed.
I took her chair in to be fixed the next day, they tightened the brake (again), but said she needs to have it replaced. But we just had her chair fixed not too long ago. It’s something I wish they paid more attention to. Brakes. Kinda important.
Ugh. It was such a miserable experience. Andi Jane was just heart broken. Had horrible survivors guilt. I should have done this, not that. She just cried and cried and cried.
Oliver was so worried, he kept saying “sorry Lily”. And when he saw the pictures of her after the fact he wanted to put them in the garbage bin. Kept saying “I don’t want these pictures of Lily hurt”.
And as I look back at that time, that moment our family was all huddled around Lily trying to clean her up, all praying for her to be OK I realize she is the one thing in our family that will always tie us. She will always be that thing/person that we all rally around. She is the one who makes our family, our family.
I thought about how I prepare for the worst of things to happen. I am told by too many doctors about the worst that can happen to not think about it, but I realize… there is no preparing. You can tell me it will rain, but until I feel the wet on my face I won’t really believe it. My heart broke for her that day. A million little pieces of my heart all over our floor and although like many times before it has been picked up and put back together, I did realize a lot in that moment. God is always faithful and his protection is always covering us, I rarely harness her on a weekend and if she weren’t harnessed she would have been way worse. And our family is a strong unit revolving around this beautiful girl. My other kids will do anything for Lily and I know that even when we have our fights and frustrations, the truth of their hearts is gold. And God so help this family if something really serious happens to our Lily girl. God help us all.