Calm Amongst the Chaos

Journey 1 Realization

Kim Nothdurft

December 13, 2009

**I was up early and I had an idea, maybe it won’t be so good this afternoon, but I’m hitting publish post anyway. I want to go back, especially with those who recently found/met me, I want to show the stages I have gone through personally in my journey with acceptance with Lily. It’s been a long road and this is the begining**

I was holding my 7 week old daughter after yet another seizure. I was sitting on my bed in our 2 bedroom one bath little house in Mesa, AZ. The one with the bright red dining room and huge back yard we planned our daughter playing in. I was holding her and the thought dawned on me like a light bulb being switched on. After two hospital stays and one separate ER visit it dawned on me and I got shivers from my head to my toes. It’s her brain. It’s her brain. It’s her brain. How did I not connect that seizures were from her brain, I don’t know. My age, I was only 23. My inexperience? The fact that the last thing you want wrong with your child is their brain? Maybe that was it. If it was her heart that would be tough, but there are meds, there are surgeries. The child still has their words. Their personality. Being her brain means loosing everything I planned on. At that moment I lost everything. I lost tea parties. I lost sleep overs. I lost fights over boyfriends. I lost watching her walk down the aisle. I lost it all. And then I lost it. Looking back those first couple years were so dark. Her first Christmas we tried to be happy. We tried to have fun but I remember her having 4 large grand mals that day. I put on a happy face and pretended like it was all meant to be, but my insides were crashing down.
I didn’t know at 7 weeks how involved Lily would be with her condition, but I knew enough to know the child I planned for was gone. And the light in my heart was shut off.

Winter wonderland

Kim Nothdurft

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December 12, 2009

Man, seriously. I think I like facebook so much because my status updates are like a one sentence blog and let’s face it that is all I have time for these days.
I really have no time. But since I am here and Oliver is napping (although he went down 1 hr 45 min ago and he’ll be up any minute, but I had to get laundry done and the floors mopped for the millionth time this week. I am pretty sure whoever said that having a dog lowers your blood pressure, did not have my dogs) I’ll get to posting.
Last week we went to “The North Pole Experience” up in Greer. A friend of mine came up with her family and stayed in my parent’s rental next door. We had a great time! It was so much fun! The kids loved the experience. It was visiting the north pole and helping the elves making toys for kids that are less fortunate (read the kids whose parents didn’t really feel like paying a million dollar for this experience) we got to ride in a trolley and sing carols, we went to Santa’s workshop which was brilliantly made, it was very authentic looking. They kids made toys went got to “elf school” and sat with Santa. They did a great job making the experience wheelchair friendly and treated Lily like a rock star. She didn’t get to ride on the trolley b/c it was too cold to take her in and out of her chair and there was no where to put her chair but since we had our van Andrew just followed us so I didn’t think it was a huge deal, but some may have been upset about that. I don’t usually get bothered by things like that.
On Monday we had to drive home and that was an experience like no other. Andrew went back early to get back to work and I drove back with the kids in the van. Andrew insisted I drive back a way that I hate and I refused. He said I would beat the storm going the way he suggested and I refused. Well a blizzard came and I fish tailed once and I slid all the way across the road to the other side of the road by the guard rail (we were in the mountains) and Andi cries I’m scared mommy. I say “NO ONE TALK!!!” and for about an hour I drove praying and saying “Jesus take the wheel” I wanted to pull over to cry, but had I done that we would have been in thicker snow and totally stuck. I knew if I cried while driving I wouldn’t be able to see so that wasn’t an open. It was an intense hour and when we finally hit Payson and it was just rain I thanked God we made it. The drive home from Payson would have been scary had I not just driven through a blizzard. It was a huge down pour through the mountains, but I felt like Jeff Gordon after all that so I was cool. When I got home and told Andrew my story all he said was “you really should have gone the way I told you.” Sigh.
Back to school and the week was pretty normal. Although I had a mole taken off and checked out a couple weeks ago and they called to say it was abnormal and I had to have it removed surgically. I was a little surprised by how big of an incision it was but by the sounds of things it was on its way to being precancerous so I am grateful I got it taken care of sooner than later. I have another one on my back I have to have the same thing done this Thursday the 17th. Gotta get this stuff done before my insurance changes and specialist visits go from $25 to $50!
I also had a root canal this week. And Oliver had his flu booster. He didn’t flinch again. Tough dude!
Oliver is saying Andi, I swear it to be true. He says dada and it seems to be directed toward Andrew and all I get are big tears and followed around if he is not in my arms constantly. He is also learning pointing gets him what he wants so maybe he’ll never talk. He can stand but refuses, he is scared to let go of anything and prefers to crawl. After crawling for over 5 months now he’s developed quite the calloused knees.
Lily is well. She is going through a phase of not wanting to eat, but she is fine otherwise so who knows what that is all about.
Andi Jane is Andi Jane. Not a lot new to share. Last night I took the girls to see The Princess and the Frog and that was a lot of fun. The girls seemed to really like it and it was the first time Andi made it through a movie, kind of. It only took 4 years and 9 months. I can’t wait for the ADD diagnosis.
Baby is up, no time to proof read so don’t judge or I’ll take twice as long next time to update.
Oh BTW the pix from last weekend are on the right, on flickr. 🙂

It’s the most craziest time of the year

Kim Nothdurft

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December 3, 2009

Yawn…back to reality and yawn…
I cannot believe it is Thursday December 3, 2009! I mean, really?! I never get to update this thing because there are just not enough hours in the day, really there aren’t.
Oliver has been getting up in the middle of the night again. Lily’s diaper leaked last night. Yawn. Then Andi and Oliver woke up before 6 am yet Lily I had to wake up at 7:15am to get her on the bus by 7:40am. The one kid who needed to be up was snoring away. Go figure.
Enough complaining…Lily is doing well. She got over her cold and gave it to me. Oliver had one at the same time as her so it is no shocker they gave it to their mama, but although it was fierce, it was short so that was good.
Andi is doing well and loving school. The beef with little “Mary” has totally blown over. Thank God.
Lily had a half day today but her nurse was able to come so I am able to get some stuff done around they house while Oliver naps. Getting stuff done around the house is code for catch up on blog, emails, some work and facebook. Got it!
Oh he is now up. That little guy… he is so cute. I love this age, he’ll be 10 months on Saturday and he is just so cute and funny. He has such a personality! He is clapping now, waving bye bye and yelling for Andi when I do. That is probably the funniest thing I have ever seen. Well the kid falling at Sonic dropping the food tray was really funny too, but I’ll choose Oliver yelling at Andi for the funniest Alex.
I posted new pictures on Flickr, check em out.
I’ll post again before the end of the year 😉

Too tired to be wordy

Kim Nothdurft

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November 24, 2009

I dx Oliver this weekend with roseola. He got a rash Saturday evening after his mysterious high fever went away. I remembered Lily having that when she was a baby and so I googled it and sure enough he had every freaking symptom. I called the on call nurse just to be sure the rash wasn’t something to worry about, but she agreed he sounded like it was roseola. He seemed himself again today, finally! We will see though tonight. He has been getting up and just not going back to sleep. I feel like I’m taking care of a newborn again and pray tonight he goes back to a blissful 12 hour stretch of sleep.
Lily is not sleeping all that well lately either and it really shows in her attitude during the day. She was so sleepy in horse therapy today she didn’t do too well.
A good note on Andi Jane, I talked her into wearing her boots today and prepped her with the who cares speech that she can give if Mary gives her a hard time, but Mary didn’t say a word about the boots. Andi Jane also said Mary was happy when Andi got to school and wanted to play with her, so while little girls can be mean, they can also be quite forgetful and also forgiving, so I can rest a little easy…for now.
It’s 8:30pm and Oliver whom I just put down an hour ago is crying from his crib. Not a good sign. Not at all.
Oh and I have to say we are thoroughly enjoying Grandpa Steve and Grandma Cheryl who are down for awhile. We are having a great time and Grandma Cheryl is helping me so much I don’t want to think about her leaving on Friday 😦
Gotta get the baby boy…

Sad Days

Kim Nothdurft

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November 20, 2009

So it’s been a bit of a sad day. Oliver is sick. He spiked a fever Tuesday night and it has been going on ever since. He has a cough, runny nose and high fever. Last night was 103 and tonight it was the same. But when the Motrin kicks in he is a wild man. 2 hours ago he was hot, whiney and clingy. Now it is 8:30pm and he is crawling and climbing, playing peek-a-boo all the while his big sister is fast asleep in bed. Andi Jane went to stay at the rental Grandma and Grandpa Nothdurft are staying in. I thought I’d be in bed by now watching Grey’s Anatomy but little man has other plans. He sure is cute. Lucky!
What was really sad today was the discussion I had with Andi Jane. Andrew and I went to Old Navy last Saturday, just us two, since G & G N are in town we are taking full advantage! We see some boots that are UGG knock offs but bright pink with hearts and flowers. Totally adorable! Andrew sees them and says we have to get those for Andi. I agree and we get them. We bring them home and she is in love with them! She wears them with what she was wearing. The next day, Sunday, she wore a black sundress with hot pink winter boots to church. Monday to pre school she wore a pink dress, tights and the boots. Then she says she wants to wear tennis shoes on Tuesday and on Wednesday, then today I say “your boots would match, wear them!” she says “no” I ask “why” and she says “Mary (name has been changed) says my boots are not cute.” “What?” I ask and she says the same thing again. I say “who cares” but Andi Jane cares. Although I am upset I let it go for a bit and tell her to get ready. She starts playing with Oliver, not getting ready, and he squawks a bit, probably because he is not feeling well, but Andi overreacts and cries, “He doesn’t like me!” I go to her and say “what is going on?” and she just starts bawling “Mary doesn’t like me! She is always mean to me!” Well I immediately grab her and hold her and try to dry my eyes before talking more to her. I realize she might be exaggerating, and I also realize Andi is the child who is constantly told to keep her hands to herself so maybe not everyone is a fan of hers, but it still broke my heart that she was heartbroken. I started fishing and I guess there have been a couple incidents that have happened, just things like Andi called her best friend and she said she was not her best friend, but Andi said that her teacher has stepped in and said we are all friends, so I know she is in a safe loving environment. I know kids don’t all get along, I just wasn’t ready for this to happen so early. I am even more aware that this is only the beginning. I know. Take it from the girl who had the school article that was written about her hung up in the courtyard with holes in the face and the word b*tch written all over. I know. I just wish she didn’t have to know.
This parenting thing never lessens up, does it?

Gait Trainer

Kim Nothdurft

2 comments

November 12, 2009

So Andrew asked Lily’s PT if she thought Lily was ready for a walker. I wasn’t quite sure she was ready for that, but her PT brought over a loaner to see. It is way too small for her, but we were just seeing what she would do in one and to see if it is justifiable to try to order one. Well let me show you how she did!
**be patient she will get into the light after a few seconds, I’m gonna need to ask for a good digital video camera for my birthday**

Holy Spearmint

Kim Nothdurft

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November 10, 2009

Last week started out poorly. I took all three kids on Tuesday to get Lily’s x-ray for her Shriners apt on Friday. Shriners runs a clinic one day every three months so as you can imagine there are a lot of patients, making it a long day. I was trying to be proactive by getting Lily’s x-rays done earlier. I was a dummy bringing all kids. I had Oliver eating fake plants, Andi chasing him being very loud. I had to have a guy help me get Lily out of her chair b/c there was no where for Oliver to go but in the Bjorn on my chest. Then on the x-ray table the tech said her diaper was dirty and can I take it off. Of course her diapers were in the van! Of all the times for her to poop! We had her lay on the table with a blanket over her then I had to put one of Oliver’s size 3 diaper on her to last her to the van. Lily is 55 lbs. Oliver is 18 lbs. Imagine it. After they do the pelvic x-ray they dismiss us. I say “what about her spine?” They said “there is no rx for spine”. “But that is why we have this appointment on Friday! I need her to get a second opinion on her scoliosis!” They said, “well we can do it on Friday”. Sigh….. this was exactly why I came on Tuesday so I didn’t have to spend my entire Friday there. Sigh, and double sigh. I was overwhelmed and frustrated. Tears came to my eyes. I push Lily out, Oliver in Bjorn and Andi Jane following behind. I have to put a regular diaper on Lily and then load her up into the van, banging my head in the process, saying a bad word after that. “What did you say?” asks Andi Jane, “nothing” I mumble feeling very upset with myself for handling myself so poorly and I realize that we’ll get this figured out. I always do. We’ve made it thru 7years of these frustrating situations; we’ll make it thru this one.
Dropped Lily off at school, Andi off at pre school and went home.
A couple hours later I cooled my head; I vented it out and had my brilliant idea. Lily just had a spine x-ray back in June, that was how she got the scoliosis dx in the first place and that is what I wanted the second opinion on. All I have to do is request a copy of that x-ray and bring it with us. I call and she says no problem, she will have it at the front desk so all I had to do was make that nice long drive out to downtown Phoenix and get it.
So Wed at the gym I tell bestie my plans and she says drop Andi off at school and bring Oliver to her place to nap so I can get it without the kids. 1 hour drive each way, by myself! Heaven! I could listen to what I want; quiet might be all I wanted. I didn’t have to worry about ruining nap time. I said sold and that was my plan.
I got to Phoenix and got the disk without a hitch. Feeling a little hungry I stop at Taco Bell. Right by the drive thru talkie thing is standing a homeless man on crutches. My initial reaction was to skip out on Taco Bell completely, but I decided to go on to the drive thru. I order and he quietly asks me for money. I look in my wallet and see a $5 and a $10. I selfishly refuse to give him that so I find a couple quarters and at that moment the drive thru talkie thing says “you have to leave our customers alone”, the homeless man looks a little scared and starts to walk away before I even hand him the change. I say “here, sorry it’s all I have” I lied. I drive up and apparently the employee heard me talk to the homeless man. “As long as he isn’t bugging you”, I say “I felt bad for him” the employee goes on about he has a broken leg and is harmless but so many effing old ladies say this homeless man is bothering them and he is cussing on and on about people being mean to this homeless man. If I didn’t think he had something nice to say amongst all his swear words I’d probably be offended. I get my two tacos and drive away. All of a sudden I have this huge guilty feeling, it overwhelms me and I realize that I have to give that guy my taco. This isn’t me, I know so many people feed homeless; I am not trying to say I am a saint, quite the opposite. I tend to be a bit selfish and stingy with my money. I am not proud, but I am telling you this because the feeling that overwhelmed me was foreign and relentless and even though I couldn’t find him at first, I knew I had to keep on looking for him. I slowly drive down a side road and finally see him hobbling down the road. I turn a street ahead of him, pass a park with another homeless person sleeping in and stop and wait for him to come by my car. When he does I ask if he is hungry. My heart was beating, my palms were sweating. I don’t do things like this. He looks me in the eye and with that same quiet voice says yes and I hand him my taco. A good one too, chicken fresco. He says thank you and God bless you and I drive away. I eat my other taco and began to worry if he wouldn’t like that taco; it wasn’t probably what he would order. I thought about how many times I have felt that feeling and I totally ignored it. And it dawned on me that was exactly what my pastor was talking about the pervious week. Listening to that urging voice, he said it was the Holy Spirit, you can call it what you want, but I know that wasn’t my voice. My voice says yeah that is sad, but not my problem. But at that moment, it was my problem. I look back and think I should have given both my tacos and some cash, I should have taken him to the hospital, I should have done more, but I do know I fed him. Maybe the first thing he has eaten that day, or in a couple days. This was something so simple. Cost me a dollar. And I am sure it made more of a difference in my life than his, but I like to think it is a beginning for me. I’m gonna be like George Castana and go with the opposite of what I would normally do.
Our apt on Friday with Shriners went smoothly; Andrew took time off to stay home with the other two so it was just Lil and I. The x-ray I gave them was sufficient enough, Dr said it was deceiving and while he can see why a Dr would rx a brace from the x-ray, if he just moved her around and checked her out physically he can see her scoliosis is flexible and not rigid and he would not at this present time recommend a brace. You could hear the cheering in my head after that. He said see us in 9 months and we’ll reevaluate it. So… yay! Thank God for second opinions. Thank God for the wherewithal to know to not just listen to one Dr’s opinion. And thanks to the awesome PT Lily has that fights every fight with us and knows Lily and knows what Lily is capable of and she encourages us to fight the right battles.
I know this post is long but it was a week of impact. It started feeling self pity and ended so wonderfully. If only every week could be filled with so many life lessons. Usually it is just filled with poop and boogers.

Wishes in the Dark – Author Unknown

Kim Nothdurft

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November 3, 2009

Sometimes when she’s sleeping I can see in my mind’s eye the little girl I thought I had,

the one who said good-bye.
Sometimes when she’s sleeping, hands folded by her cheek I close my eyes and see before me a child who can speak.
Sometimes when she’s sleeping she seems so whole and well I can’t believe she won’t awaken with dreams of which to tell.
Sometimes when she’s sleeping and the tears in my eyes overflow, I steal what kisses I can in the darkand wonder what joys she will know.
Sometimes when she’s sleeping and my eyes ache with tears unshed, I pray she’ll always be full of peace as she slumbers in her bed.
Sometimes when she’s sleeping I can almost hear her say “I love you, Mom, with my heart and my soul, each and every day”.
But always when she’s sleeping I am full of pride at the miracle that is my daughter and the perfection that is inside.

Reason number 1280 why home schooling is not for us

Kim Nothdurft

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October 29, 2009

Andi Jane: Mom, what makes orange?
Me: Nothing
AJ: No what colors do you mix to make orange
Me: Orange is a primary color, you start with it
AJ: No Mom, you mix it
Me: No you mix orange and yellow to make red
AJ: No mom! We made orange in school.
Me: What did you mix? Brown and yellow?
AJ: No! Oh I know! We mixed yellow and red!
Me: Oh that’s right, red is the primary color.

Apparently I am not smarted than a preschooler. (I am totally humbling myself just by sharing this story)

Garden Anyone?

Kim Nothdurft

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October 26, 2009

I have been asking (read: begging) for a garden for some time now. Andrew’s dad had a nice one so I know Andrew knows how to do it. Aunt Gloria and Bill have a nice one and when I went to my friend Julie’s house and saw hers and we ate salad with tomato’s from it, that was it! I WANT A GARDEN! So after much whining Andrew finally built me one. He brought someone to help him and they spend 8 hours building this:

He made planted all kinds of goodies and marked each spot so nicely, it was so cute!

Then he leaves for awhile, I wasn’t home yet, when I get home I hear a whole lot of yelling and see a whole lot of muddy dogs. Uh oh. I did mention we really shouldn’t do it without a fence, first, but it really wasn’t a good time for I told you so. So what took Andrew 8 hours to build, it took the dogs about 30 minutes to dig up.

After much complaining and lots of words that would make a sailor blush, Andrew raked it back up and put in a fence, a fence that I’m sure that has shorten his life by several years, he was not loving that project.

So here is the final product:

We aren’t sure if anything will grow and most likely if anything does grow it will be snap peas next to tomato’s, zucchini intertwined with carrots. Maybe we will make the first “oniotte”. But this is our first run, a trial round before spring. I will keep you posted with how this turns out.