Calm Amongst the Chaos

Lily was 3 weeks old 3 days when we took her to the ER. I watched her get poked, prodded and scanned. It was heartbreaking and devastating.
So imagine my surprise and detriment when there I was 6 in a half years later at the same hospital in the same ER with my 3 week 3 day old son. We were NOT there due to a seizure, but we were there. He woke up at 3 am for a feeding and was burning up. I took his temp off and on for an hour, took off his clothes and prayed it would go away. I looked online when to go to the hospital and it says over 38 Celsius. He was just at 38 degrees and I didn’t know what to do. Andrew was up north with my parents and the girls. At 4am I called on call ped and the RN called me back at 5:30am. She said it was borderline, she’d call back at 6:30am and go from there. At 6:30am he was 38.1 and she said “take him in”. I take him in.
It was a whirl wind from there. They have a protocol for kids under 4 weeks with a fever and it is not pretty. Right in front of my eyes there they are stripping him, putting a cath in him, poking him for blood, trying to get an IV and then the said he needed a lumbar puncture. I stood there watching them hold him in a ball, he was screaming and I was bawling. No more pride, no more trying to be strong, they were hurting my baby and it was killing me. I stood there staring when I finally “Mom..Mom” I look at the nurse and she is looking at me asking me if I am ok, do I need to sit down. I nod that I am ok and stroke his hair. I can’t express how absolutely awful that was to see. I did not see 3 week old Lily have her LP done. They then tell me he will be admitted for up to 3 days, possibly longer then they leave me to nurse him. I call Andrew and start crying. “It is bringing back too many memories, I’m dying here” I tell him. He calms me down. Tells me not to worry about the girls, because I indeed was and we were in our room in less than an hour.
So for the rest of that day they are poking my boy, checking his temp (which had almost all but gone normal by the time we were admitted), blood pressure, etc. They shoved a thing up his nose to check for RSV. It was awful. My sister and aunt stayed with me the first day. Andrew drove back with the girls that day and he came to visit in the evening while my nieces watched the girls. I heard Lily is sick (again!) and Andi was refusing to take her antibiotics while up north. Great. I knew this is why he was sick in the first place. I just wish he got sick on a Monday, I would have rather taken him to our pediatrician first before the ER. We were told no one under 12 could visit, which was heartbreaking for Andi. She was so sad. It was funny, when Andrew told her Sunday night he was going to visit us she said “well how old are you?” She is so funny.
We had to stay at least 48 hours to get all the results back. Of course they were all negative. They pumped him so full of antibiotics he had loose stools and stinky pee. And most likely he just had a virus that wouldn’t respond at all to the antibiotics at all in the first place.
Monday he was crying inconsolably and I was really worried. I thought, this is a brain thing, something is wrong him. The RN said I think his IV might be bad and sure enough it was. He was having meds go in a bad line and they said that can be painful. I was just sick with guilt having my baby hurt over and over. And then they had to take the one out and put a new one in.
By Monday night I had had it with that place. The beeping machines, the techs who didn’t care about waking up a sleepy baby for stats, the nurse who wasn’t very sweet, it was all to much and I got very agitated around 3am.
Thank God at 8am I was told all is negative and we can go home. But first we had to stop by the cashier who kindly told me I owed $1100.
Sigh.
We’re home. Oliver has been the most at peace since Friday (he was fussy on Sat before the fever started). He is back to his old self and I am not compulsively worrying that he will have something wrong with his brain any minute.
Oliver will be fine. No fever since admission on Sunday Morning. He has no congestion, anything. We go for a follow up with his pediatrician tomorrow and he will have his RSV results, which I am sure will be negative as well.
It was a tough two days. The memories were overwhelming of that first hospital stay with Lily and there was no sun shine, I hadn’t seen my girls since Friday, it was awful.
It is amazing though how much we think a scar has healed when we don’t look at it. Then we catch a glimpse of it and we realize it is still more of an open wound than a scar. I think I will always have a gaping wound when it comes to all we have gone through with Lily. Every time I think I am healed and take off the bandage I am reminded I am still wounded.

So baby Oliver is one week old today already. Crazy how time flies. No one has found that pause button yet?
Grandma has been in town since Sat and goes back tomorrow so next week will be my time to figure how our mornings will go. I am concerned. As of right now we are eating or sleeping when Lily gets on the bus. But I am sure I will be just fine. Her hair just might not look it’s best for a little while.
As much as I LOVE this newborn stage, it is a little difficult when your firstborn had seizures. Every freaking move a newborn makes is similar to a seizure. Their eyes roll, their hands flail out, they just do crazy things. Now my rational mind says it is all natural reflexes and that side does pacify me 95% of the time, but of course that 5% thinks, did Lily do that?
I do however know what a seizure looks like and know that he is not having them. My heart just skips a beat sometimes. I remember doing that with Andi. I was worse with Andi. I never put her down. I put her in the bassinet Lily used (the one I found Lily seizing in for the first time) and my stomach got sick, I took her out and disassembled the thing and we never saw it again. She was held 24/7, by 4 weeks I started to relax but she was so used to being held, I still hold her…sigh. At least I have this little guy in the swing and (new) bassinet (co-sleeper) in our room.
I just wanted to post that we are all doing well and adjusting. Andi has been throwing a few fits that is a bit exhausting. I am doing my best to still do the same bedtime routine and etc and I am sure it will be better when I am not as uncomfortable downstairs. And when I decide to finally get out of the house. I am too nervous, so many people still have colds and flu’s right now, I am not risking RSV. So I am sure we will get this whole three kids thing figured out soon enough. It takes time.
I can’t dismiss my husband! If it weren’t for him this would be a lot harder. He is so incredible and so in love with his son. He has been very helpful and I am blessed for such an awesome husband! Uh oh someone is fussing. He sure wakes up crabby.

http://www.our365.com/NewbornPortraits/BabyDetail.aspx?birthid=e459c6b4-7d29-4539-b562-e94427b30557

I will post the link to the hospital pictures since, well some of you really don’t care about the gory details and just want to see this little sweet piece of heaven. For the rest of you…. here is how it happened.

Tuesday I started feeling weird. I couldn’t quite explain it. Just weird. Keep in mind I have never gone into labor naturally. So we went about our day. Lily stayed home sick so I couldn’t go into work. There was a great deal at a furniture store so after Lily’s dr. apt (just something viral, low grade fever, runny nose and cough) we went to the furniture store. I was thinking I was having contractions, but wasn’t quite sure. We buy a couch set, something we have wanted to do for years now. My sister was kind enough to give us her nice sectional when we got married, but after years of animal and kids, we wanted/needed leather. So we got our couches! The girls were good at the store, Lily mostly slept, Andi mostly asked for stuff she couldn’t have. I was still feeling weird. I got loose bowels (gross I know) but figured that is why I was crampy and we went home. Lily’s nurse was there to watch Lily and I lied down. Then I started having more contractions. I figured I better walk around and see if they would stop but they didn’t. They never intensified either though. I called my mom and said stay by the phone, I may be calling. I decided to try to sleep and hopefully go in on Wednesday morning. I slept fairly easily and only got up from 2-4am because I was uncomfortable, but then went on back to sleep. I got up with less contractions, checked Lily she still had a low grade fever, called her in sick, told work I wouldn’t be able to make it in, since Lily was home and her nurse couldn’t come until 1:30pm. I said I would come in on Thursday, I just needed to make sure my sister was ready to take over my position. I said since the contractions had almost all but halted I was sure I would just have my c-section on Friday. I was disappointed. I figured I didn’t know my body. I figured natural labor is for other woman. I asked Andrew to watch the girls and I got my toes done. My favorite all time pick me up. Then had to go to the grocery store for a couple things and I wondered down the laxative aisle and still having a text message on my phone from a friend encouraging me to try castor oil. I picked up the little bottle. Then I sat it back down. Then I grabbed it and ran to the cash register.
I got home and read all I could on the internet about it. I saw some sites recommended 2 tbs, some 2 oz. Well one wiff of that stuff I knew 2 oz was ridiculous. I am also such a scardy cat with taking anything that I was nervous, so I decided on 1.5 tbs. I mixed it with root beer and ice cream (my friends suggestion) and chugged, gagged and chugged. Spoke with friend who said I didn’t take enough and debated on taking more and realized I wasn’t that desperate. I didn’t want to mess myself up. Plus I already have a sensitive stomach, I didn’t want to be pooping all day long. I read it takes hours to go into effect so I took the girls for a walk to the park. While at the park I walked in circles around the park equipment and all of a sudden rumble goes in my tummy. I tell Andi we have to go home and we will come right back. It was only within 30 minutes of taking that stuff! After some arguing with Andi I practically ran home with Andi on Lily’s lap. I get home and run to the toilet. I told Andrew, no cramps. No contractions. I probably didn’t take enough and now just have an empty tummy. We decide to walk back to the park and I walked and walked more. We got home and I had to go a couple more times, yet I never had the diarrhea stomach cramps, I just had to go a couple times then I lied down. Then the contractions came on. This was about 2pm on Wednesday and after being so uncomfortable lying down I got up and walked. They were still coming on but harder than Tuesday. I walked, I lied down, I got on facebook. I walked more around the house. I read some of my books when to go to the hospital. They mostly said if I can talk thru the contractions I can wait at home. I walked, I lied down. I did laundry. I got on facebook some more. They started coming harder and more often but I could still talk thru them. Then I went to the bathroom and saw pink in my underwear. Then I called my mom. I said I don’t know if they will send me home but I better go in. My book said if you have pink blood that is real labor. She said she was about 40 min away. I packed remaining stuff and talked to the girls. I took one bite of dinner and started to really hurt. They were coming on top of each other, but I could still talk thru them. Although winded.
We head to the hospital at 6:30pm and by 7:30pm I am in triage and they check me and say, “Wow, you are at 5cm. Good job!” I say “but I can still talk through them!” I swear if I didn’t have pink blood I wouldn’t have gone in for a couple more hours. They get me up to labor and delivery. I text everyone and say he’s coming! We call my mom and she came to the hospital with Andi. We decided we would have her in the room. We told my niece that she could come as well. I was 18 when I saw my sister’s youngest born and it was a neat experience. My aunt Gloria came to our house to stay with sleeping Lily.
They called my OB who was not on call and he came in. Although I didn’t feel I needed an epidural yet they said since I was a VBAC if I didn’t get one I would be put out if I had to have a c-section. Knowing a c-section was a possibility I got it.
I actually missed my contractions, weird I know, but I liked knowing how often and how hard and I felt so numb that I wasn’t in labor at all.
At 10:30pm Dr came in and broke my water. Oliver was having a hard time with my contractions and they gave me oxygen. That was when I started to worry. I said “I have one neuro impaired kid if you need to take him out, take him out”. The nurse said she understood and stayed in the room the whole time monitoring us, changing my positions. Then she said “I am going to check you, I think he was in distress because he was coming down”, sure enough I was complete and started pushing at 11:45pm. Epi was way too strong and I had no knowledge of needing to push and also had a hard time pushing where I needed to. Luckily I figured it out quickly and at 12:13am Feb. 5th 2009 Oliver Isaac Steven came into this world kicking and screaming weighing in at 8lbs 6oz and 21″! His apgars were 9 and 9 and he is perfect. We stored his cord blood and hope one day he may be able to help his sister out! Or if God forbid anyone else.
Andi did awesome, She slept in the recliner from 9:30pm to pushing time. She was so mature and so proud of her brother. She got emotional when she had to go home which made me sad, but she did great. Oliver came out pretty fast and that tore me up, but still I’ll take that over a c-section any day. I told Andrew “let’s do this one more time with out the epi” he said “no”.
It was a long night, we didn’t get to post partum until 5am so not much sleep that night. Oliver nursed awesome right from the start! He was really alert his first few hours then slept for what seemed forever. Then was alert all the next night. Yeah! No sleep again. He got circumcised Friday at noon 😦 which broke my heart and kept him asleep most of the rest of the day. We went home at 6pm last night and guess when he was awake and alert? All night long. Yeah! Hoping you can see I still have a sense of humor 😉
Andrew took him after I nursed him at 5am and I got the most sleep from 5am-7:45am.
We seem to be handling the family of 5 so far so good. Oliver is such a peaceful baby. So unlike both girls. Andi has been a little trying with wanting to hold him all time and she did not want to sleep in her room last night, but I understand things are going to take time to adjust. Lily’s nurse is coming today and Andi gets to go ride a horse with daddy today so that will be my rest time. Grandma Cheryl flies in tonight so I know she will help a lot with the girls this week. My biggest concern is getting Lily on the bus on time with another mouth to feed in the morning, so I am glad for the extra help!
So this may sound rambly and disjointed, but I wanted to write this all down while it is fresh in my head.
I can’t believe what a good nurser he is! My milk is in and both girls would gag and cry when it let down but not him, he just takes it down! Such a cool little dude. We feel so complete and I am so glad God gave us a son. I was nervous at the thought of a boy, but am now so excited to experience what he will bring.
I just want to know where the pause button on life is. If anyone knows let me know.

Hi folks! I am still pregnant, just haven’t been able to update since I’ve been working more than usual trying to tie up loose ends. Wouldn’t you know during that time my work computer would crash and I would loose EVERYTHING in that computer? That was Wednesday and I think we recover what we needed to. I handed the payroll torch to my sister and now my life is about to change. I am going to work from home in a much less stressful position and mostly just be mommy. I can’t tell you all how excited I am for this change! I so desire to be a stay at home mom and I think this is going to be a great change.
Oliver’s room is just about done! We just have left some finishing touches that were ordered on Etsy, meaning they are custom made and will take a few weeks to come in. That is ok. His furniture is in and we are ready to roll.
At the Dr. on Tuesday I was 50% effaced and 2cm dilated. But that was Tuesday, this is Saturday. No good contractions, just random ones and nothing else. I have this week to go into labor or I will just have my c-section on Friday the 6th at 6am. We have to be there at 4am! Sigh.
All that matters is a healthy little boy in the end and I have sent many prayers just asking for that. If a VBAC is not in my best interest than the c-section will be just fine. I am leaving this one up to God. That doesn’t mean that I am not walking a lot and doing what I can to get this thing started 😉
I will post an update with pictures when I can. I may get on here a time or two before Friday if that is when he comes!