Calm Amongst the Chaos

Reflections

Kim Nothdurft

March 3, 2014

This is for all you mama’s out there who have withered the storms and changed who we are for people who stole our hearts from the moment they were growing in us, handed to us, or fostered by us, however they came to us, they are ours and we live for them and that changes you.
We’ve changed, how could we not? But it is for the better. Absolutely the better. You all inspire me.

It was Christmas 2001, and Andrew and I were so excited to share the news that we were pregnant. I was 23 and in my family, not young at all to be a mom, Andrew on the other hand was 20 and just about right. We had only been married since August and met just the New Year Eve before so to say we were on a fast track of life would put things lightly. But this baby was very wanted. We were thrilled! Our family was thrilled. Yes we were young, lived in a tiny apartment and had really nothing to our name, but everyone was happy, because it was a baby! Everyone hugged us and said “yea!”, well everyone except my 11 year old niece Ariel who stomped loudly upstairs looking very upset. Mind boggled, but not giving her too much mind (she did have a flair for the dramatics) we continued to celebrate and talk the typical baby talk. Awhile later I overheard Ariel talking on the phone to her cousin and we realized she was upset that I was pregnant. She was upset that I was no longer going to be fun. Up until that Christmas morning my life was my nieces and nephew. I was the cool, fun aunt who took them places and loved being with them on weekends and during school breaks and all Ariel saw was that lady was gone. Now my world will be sleepless nights, frustrations and doting on this new little person that was ours and cool aunt Kim will fade into a sweet little place in their memory. I laughed and said I will always be the same person. And I didn’t mean to lie. I really, honestly thought I would continue to be the Kim I always had been.

The whole story has become a family joke. We all laugh about it. Ariel, my now beautiful, educated, witty 23 year old niece will say what a little jerk she was and we all giggle at how she responded to what most people thought was happy news. But I never put much more thought to the whole story until recently when I read a book called What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty. One of the best books I have devoured in a long time. And I know it was great writing that captured me, the wit and charm the author brought to her characters, but it was also the content. It was about a 39 year old woman who hit her head in spin class and when she came to she thought she was 29 and pregnant with her 1st child. She had lost 10 years of memory and nothing was as it was. It was as if she were living a strangers life. I won’t share more about the book as I want to hear all your feet shuffling to go get one for yourself. Here I even linked it for you What Alice Forgot. But this book really had me evaluating my life and who I was at 23 years old and pregnant with my first child and who I am now at 35 and have 3 kids, all gone beyond that baby stage. I am a totally different person.

Just a few weeks ago at one of our life group dinners we sat and talked about the Love Languages and what we all were and the funny thing was us women were all acts of service. But one of my friends said, I didn’t used to be, it’s just now that I am a mom it is more important and I thought holy crap, so true. Believe me, the old me could have cared less who took the trash out, because it sure as heck wasn’t me, did I even know where the trash went? So acts of service isn’t really my love language, it is my “if you and I want to survive this season” language. What did I used to like? Gifts. Yes gifts. Lots of them. As long as I don’t have to know where the money came from. Because then I don’t want a gift. I know how much those thing cost and know we can’t afford it so thanks for the thought, but let’s take it back and buy groceries. So gifts are no longer important to me, but you taking out the trash sure is.

That’s who I am right now. And heck yes that sweet, excited, young mother to be would have no clue who this lady is tapping at these keys on a Saturday night 12 years later and she certainly wouldn’t be all that thrilled to know she was her. She’d think, no. I’m still the fun aunt. I’m still young. I don’t let things like chores and bills rule my world… do I?

I’d look at the dark circles under my eyes and wonder why I don’t sleep.
I’d see the wheelchair ramp and think, does my brother live with us now? Never ever imagining the wheelchair was our daughters.
I’d see the marriage I have with Andrew as refreshing, seeing we are still in love, probably more so than we were back then. But I would have had no idea what something awful we had to survive to find that happiness.
I would see the bikes, the scooters, the backpacks and think, whoa true living big kids are ours. We are in charge of them and find an excitement and freak out at the same time at the grown-up”ness” of it all.
I’d see who my friends are and I’d be happy to know my same friends are still my friends and I managed to get some awesome new ones as well. And wonder how I did that.
I’d see my clothes and think, oh Kim… you lost your sense of style?
I’d probably be surprised my hair looks the same as it did in the 9th grade. That may be the only thing that hasn’t changed much.

I’d love who I had become and hate her a little bit as well. I would understand that Ariel had the truest my honest response that day. She grieved the loss of that old cool aunt she knew she lost the minute that baby started to form in my womb.

My life changed, I have changed. My evolution didn’t happen over night, it has slowly happened for more than a decade. Each step along the way has changed me into who I am today, and that person is better in so many ways, but also so very different and maybe a little worse too, I do know she sure would be a stranger to that unsuspecting 23 year old I once was.

Life is a crazy always changing, often challenging ride. This season might be the most character changing because as little as 12 years ago I had no one depend on me and now I have 3 people who do. One who we care for in ways I never imagined having to do so. But all of us, my sisters out there, we’re just racing through it from practice to games, to school to friends, to play dates and doctor appointments, it is all flashing by us and it is all going so fast. And I know we will all survive these years and we will look back on these years and miss these days, but I also hope we are able to settle well into our next season and I pray to look at that lady who I become with some awe and wonder at how she survived and managed to do it all so gracefully. And how did she get the money to travel to Hawaii every year?….. Hey it’s my future. Make your own.

I’m just so very thankful for a life that ever changes and challenges me and continues to push me to make better choices and better who I am.

And maybe be someone who vacations each year in Hawaii.

Before Motherhood – Fit Pregnancy Mag 2002

Family of 5 – San Diego 2013

Whispers in the Soul

Kim Nothdurft

no comments

January 16, 2014

It was a moment I heard a calming voice within my soul, I remember the exact time, where I was, what I was doing. The whisper was clear and profound. I was praying “God please stop her suffering” and in return I heard a whisper from deep inside asking, “whose suffering?” I stop, I think and I say “Me … Me.. I am ….” each seizure I watch her go through I am suffering. Each time her body convulses and she is lost to me, I am suffering. The instant was so clear and so real and all perspective changed in that moment. I cried “Me Lord, help MY suffering”.

So here we are months later and not much has changed with Lily. To be honest, things have gotten worse. Seizures are worse, we suspect she is having circulation problems and in November she was very sick with pneumonia. There is still suffering. But there is also peace. My perspective has changed, once again, it’s a never ending roller coaster when you are mom to a special needs child. Darkness and light can interchange in a moment. But the realization at that exact time of who I was really praying for, who I was crying out about and I say it is her… and it is her…. but it is often selfishly me. It is me who is hurting, it is me who is suffering. It is me who is wishing and it is me who is hoping. Those things never change. But once I got real with myself and confirmed exactly what I was truly wanting, her to get better FOR ME, my heart made a switch.

Now I still pray each day for Lily to be comforted. I still pray the seizures are manageable. But I also pray for me. I pray that I have faith that God has his hands all over us, guiding me in my parenting not just care taking for Lily, but parenting her and her brother and sister. Do I worry still, at times yes, but I also have a quietness inside me that comforts me when it gets to be too much. I have a peace that passes all understanding.

I continue to pray for this peace that carries me and comforts me. I can look at Lily and see in her face peace. I know God has given this precious girl a great gift. I should be more proud of this sweet girl we have been given and not worry so much with all the things she can’t do and the things I think she is missing out on.

I am happy to have heard that whisper in my soul that put perspective in my life and turned my heart towards the direction it needs to head in and stay in.

Dear Kim 1994

Kim Nothdurft

1 comment

January 13, 2014

I was in a Mothers Who Write Workshop this fall, as I have mentioned before, and this was one of my assignments I never turned in. Our task was to write a letter to our teenage self. This was the toughest one I was given. I struggled and struggled with writing it. I like to mix lightness with heavy in my writing and my teen years were tough so it was impossible to be light in this. And I guess that was why I felt so exposed with this piece. So exposed I didn’t go to class that night and never turned this piece in.

Yesterday at church our pastor talked about the examples we are to our kids. He said some crazy facts on kids who go to church with their moms don’t end up continuing church nearly as often as kids who go to church with their dads. He talked about how the words we say, the actions we take are all absorbed by our children and at the end he had us all stand if we had any of x, y, or z situations growing up or in our current family now just to see how we all have been exposed to crap and we are all still here. Almost everyone stood. We all grew up with crap. We will all continue to overcome stuff, but knowing it is never too late to make changes, make ourselves better, and bring our kids up in a world better than the one before it. So I am OK sharing this piece. I am willing to expose myself because I understand that being vulnerable is how we grow and strengthen. God is good and will uses our pain for good purpose.

Happy Sweet 16 Kim. I’m sorry Dad didn’t show. I wish I could change that for you, but I can’t.

I know you are hurt and upset, you have every right to be, I just want to tell you he isn’t a bad guy.

In about a year from now we will almost lose him, then things will change for the better. Cry today, hold a grudge, but keep your heart soft to him.

Pay attention to how mom does it all, and especially how she handles your brother Bryan. You will be surprised at just how much your life ends up parallel to hers. And I know how much you love him, let him know that. His disability affects him way more than it does you. That is something you should know and eventually will understand. It isn’t all about you. When you realize that… the world opens up.

And that pretty mask you wear, only hurts you. I know high school is tough. I know your home life isn’t “typical”, but be you. You are a lot greater than you give yourself credit for. Being two people is exhausting and you will find a freedom when you finally take off that mask.

You take second best when it comes to relationships. You settle. You take what you think you deserve, but you will see you deserve more. You will find more. Your guy is out there. I promise. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

Keep your soul tender to God. I know it is just Mom’s thing right now, but God will surprise you.

You’re about to embark on some rough years. How I wish I could tell you to turn left when you go right, but even as I know now the hurts you will spend many years regretting, I would never say not to do them. It’s your mistakes that become your greatest teachers. It’s your choices you made that now force you to make better ones today.

Trust your heart, love deeply, forgive easily and always show compassion.

God will protect you and he is there to comfort you. You are smarter, stronger and far lovelier than you ever believe you are. Chin up, take it all in. You will only be this young once.

And keep writing. It is the one thing that will always cleanse your soul. As we know running is not, nor will ever be our “thing”.

Well that was fun…

Kim Nothdurft

1 comment

January 2, 2014

I have not written one line since November. Ok well besides facebook one liners, those seem to be all I am able to accomplish lately. Writing makes me happy. Writing completes me so I guess lately, I have been incomplete.

I barely survived Christmas. It was the first year I begged to be over before it even began. I didn’t enjoy much of it at all. Except the day. I liked the actual day of Christmas. The rest blew. Not because anyone died, no one was sick, we are all truly blessed. And spoiled. And seriously suffer 1^st world problems.

I had too much to do and not enough time to do it. I lost my husband due to a backyard makeover. Scratch not makeover… make. He made a back yard out of dirt. He literally landscaped our backyard his own self. He had some help on big job days, ie concrete, rock moving, plant planting, but all in all the dude did it himself. He really should be on TV. He is cuter than Ty Pennington, not nearly as hyper and really can create anything. But I lost him. He is a little possessed when doing projects, so when he is doing a project thru November and December, I think it is unnecessary to have to say my little Christmas elf was M.I.A. And speaking of elves… Lord have mercy on the elf on the shelf. 5 years is just too long to carry over this little tradition. I really should have had my kids closer together if only for this reason and this reason alone. No I don’t want to dress him up in clothes (!) when did that part start happening? And please stop showing funny things on facebook and pinterest just reminding me of all my short comings as a mom. He moved. Each day. The elf moved each day. I win. That is it. He doesn’t need to tee pee our entire house or turn our milk green that the kids, as well as I, will refuse to drink. Goodness sake I made the elf “funny” one night and drew mustaches on the kids pictures only to realize I … err the elf… used a permanent paint marker. You know how much I cursed that elf and how much elbow grease went into fixing that little disaster? Ugh. A lot. Then the shopping. Shopping for gifts is an excruciating exercise for me on birthdays. When only one present is required. Add a big family on both sides at Christmas and I go into panic mode each year. I never learn. I want the right gift for everyone. I just need to buy gift cards and say wall ah. But I don’t. I himmm and I haaawwww and then I wait til the last minute and then ransack Walmart and Nordstrom Rack throwing things in my cart that I don’t even care about. My bargain brain starts overheating and I drive home biting my nails thinking of what I need to sell on the community facebook page to cover those costs I just endured.

Sigh. That was December. How was yours. Can I put all that in our family Christmas letter?

And I usually LOVE Christmas. I used to feel proud to have a birthday during Christmas week. Now I spend my birthday scouting for gifts for others. That’s not fun. I love the lights and the music and all the decorations, but this year I didn’t even hear my all-time favorite Christmas song Mary Did you Know until December 26^th, and that was on accident.

I sucked at Christmas this year. And I am vowing to not again. That is my new year’s resolution, to not suck at Christmas next year. Or I mean this year. Whatever.

I said yes to too many things. I had expectations and we know how those go. But it is over. I will try again. I will slow down. Again. I will do better.

There is so much I have lacked in updating. Lily and her talker. How awesome Hope Kids has been to us. How funny and cute our kids are. How they do funny things that melt my heart and make me laugh. I get caught up in all the yuck of life. The have too’s and the want too’s and forget what it is all about.

I vow to slow down and then add an extra day at work, I keep commitments and continue to build more on my plate. I am what the boy scouts of America would tisk at, never prepared, under planned, always running, never caught up. I often feel like I need to run away, but what I really need is to get organized.

So that is what I am trying to do. Prepare. Plan. Get my crap together. 2013 was a beautiful year. A wonderful year. One of my favorites. But it kicked my butt.

2014. I have big little plans for you. Time to re-focus, less busy and re-prioritize.

Let’s do this! I will get back on board with this blog. I need to. 2014 bring on a quiet year and I will kiss you.

Piece of My Heart

Kim Nothdurft

5 comments

November 11, 2013

I had just sat down on our couch, totally surrendering after the long day that was eerily similar to the day before and the one before that, when my 4 year old son asks me ever so nonchalantly, “When are you going to get pregnant again?”. I almost spit out my wine, another piece of proof that this mama was done for the night and said “What?” He repeats his question and I say, “I’m not buddy, you are my last baby” to which he follows up with the question. You know what question I am talking about. The question. How do mommies get pregnant? That one.

Sigh.

On the couch (I am never on the couch). My feet are up (my feet are never up). I am drinking a glass of wine. Well that’s normal. But all these signs say mom is done. Mom already helped with homework, dinner was made, everyone ate, dishes were washed. My shift was over. And I certainly was not ready to discuss the mechanics involved to produce a baby to my 4 year old son whom I still think of as a baby and have no idea how he even computed the thoughts to even wonder how babies are made. He is still a baby.

Sigh. Again.

“Well sweetie” I began, ready to give the most robotic, unthoughtful answer to his question, when he comes in with his own sweet version, saving himself and me from my awful G rated rendition, and he asks, “Did God take a part of your heart and make me out of it?”

I stop. I sigh. This time a sigh of a mother that just had her heart inflated to double the size and a breath to keep her tears from coming so to not totally freak him out, and I reply, “Yes buddy, God took a piece of my heart and made each of your sisters and then he made you.” He was completely satisfied with this answer and so was I.

Who’s the Dummy Now?

Kim Nothdurft

4 comments

November 7, 2013

Many years ago I had a doctor tell me “When you have a child with such severe mental retardation they have many autistic traits.” This was an answer to my “does she have autism too?” question.
Gulp.
I saw the word mental retardation on a report of hers once, but I never heard the words come flying at me like that. No warning, no time to duck and weave or do anything to protect myself from them. And they stung. They stung like a swarm of bees stinging my honey filled ears.
No I am not going into a tirade about the R word. I have been there and done that. On my honor, not where I am going.
Where I am going is what those words in my ear did to me.
They made me a part of me stop believing. I thought maybe he is right. Maybe she is so far gone that she knows nothing. I started to numb myself to any thoughts of her having any thoughts of her own.
He killed her spirit and my own.
Yes at times I would think oh there is more in there, I know it. But then she would totally check out. Ignore anything I said and I would think again maybe he is right.
We have had so many wonderful therapists, teachers, folks come into our lives knowing she has more, and give me hope, but we could never get her out of her world and into ours, so again I would stop believing.
I found myself much safer just caring for her to the best of our ability. Keeping her healthy and safe. But not even thinking of trying to teach her things I was afraid she didn’t understand or care to learn.
I got sold a lie and I bought it. I bought it because I had to protect myself. I am always protecting myself. I have been let down a lot in my life so I have found comfort in just accepting the worse and hoping to be surprised the other way. So I kept with my walls. Walls around my heart, too afraid of my own daughter.
If those walls came down. If I believed in one more thing and it didn’t go as I expected, I don’t know what I would do. So I just refused to let any hope come creeping in again. This was how I was for many years.
Then early this year we had a trial with an Tobii eye gaze system. I dared to hope. Just a little. I asked for friends to pray. And I prayed. And Lily surprised us all with being very receptive to it.
Then we waited. And waited. And waited. Paperwork got lost, insurance info got confused and in all the waiting a new upgraded system became avail and then one day it was on our door step.
I didn’t open the box. I posted a photo. I said “yay, it’s here” I had about 150 likes. But I didn’t open the box. Afraid of what would happen if I opened it and she did nothing.
Finally I opened it. I played a little. I hesitantly showed it to Lily and she surprised me and played a little too.
Then I learned some more. Gave her some more and she took to it again. Some days she liked it more than others. Some days she really liked it. Some days she could care less about it.
But I continue to learn and I continue to play with Lily and my walls are slowly coming down.
She said trick or treat on Halloween.
She said her name was Lily when I insisted it was Sally.
She said no to everything, but yes to chocolate.
And the other day I got brave, let’s see what happens when I put a game of memory in front of her. My inner dialogue telling me, this is too hard, she won’t understand, yet she completed two rounds in about 5 minutes or less. She found the apples and the bananas and the coconuts and liked the cheering for her when she was done. She played it like she knew exactly how to play the game, as if she has been playing for years.
That day, the day we watched our 11 year old daughter clear a 6 image game of memory I learned something myself. Our daughter IS smart. Our daughter is someone worth putting my hope into and our daughter will continue to surprise us.
Laying in bed that night I say to Andrew “she kicked ass in that memory game!” he says “I know!” But Andrew is different than me, he doesn’t hold up walls like I do. He wasn’t as surprised as I was. Yin and the Yang.
Lily is one special girl and I am sorry. I am so so sorry for years of not expecting anything in order to protect myself. She deserves better and from now she will get better.
Expectations are my Achilles Heel. Lily is my Achilles Heel. But I am not going to be crippled anymore by my own fears. I am also not letting an opinion of a doctor who never ran a test, who never even spoke to my daughter make my mind up about my daughter.
I will always have regrets and grieve over lost years of “accepting”, but I won’t let it stop us from continuing on.
She has a new lease on life. She has a reason to stop checking out. She has a voice now. I’d check out too if no one tried to find my voice.
Oh thank you God for technology, and for people who don’t stop believing, and do the believing for those who don’t have the courage to do so.
Lily is smart. Look out, here she comes. You’re gonna hear her roar. Oh oh oh. oh oh oh.

Hope

Kim Nothdurft

3 comments

October 26, 2013

Hope looks like a million different things to a million different people. Hope is in a rainbow, hope is in a new day, hope is even in a jar at the mall. Hope can look like something insignificant to me, but the world to someone else.

What does my hope look like? My hope looks like a big black computer screen. This isn’t just a computer though, this black screen can change our world forever. It can change our dark wordless world with our 11 year old daughter, to a world of colorful communication.

Lily has never spoken one word in her 11 years. Through therapies, specialist, schools, prayers and begging at God’s feet for just one word, mama maybe? To our avail nothing has ever came out. Even sign language is a bust with a child who has no hand control.

To love our daughter is easy, to care for her is what we do, but to know what she loves, how she feels, why she cries, is an impossible heartbreaking journey.

But now we have hope. Now we have a computer that reads her eyes. All she has to do is look at what she wants on the screen and her words will come to life.

Her whole world will open up and we will meet Lily on a level we have never known her before.

Will it be hard, yes, there is a lot to learn. Is it scary, yes because we have put hope in things that never came to fruition, but this is different. This is tangible. This is something I have faith in and this is something that even if the phases are small, she can let us know what she wants and we can stop assuming what it is. She can now go Trick or Treating with her brother and sister in a week and be the one who actually gets to say “Trick or Treat”, all because of this big black computer screen that may only look like a computer to others, but to us it is filled with all our hope.

Camping – Nordy style

Kim Nothdurft

no comments

September 26, 2013

Our family is going to Camp Land in San Digeo tomorrow!
Yup! We are going to CAMP Land tomorrow.
CAMPing.
Yup.
I grew up camping. My job was to get in the car, defend myself from my siblings who started beating on me when they were done staring out the window, era 1980’s, and play until the tent was up. Play, fish, hike until my food was made and I could eat it and to go back to fish, hike, play, then watch the tent go down and get back in the car and defend myself on the ride home.
AND I HATED IT.
So to say I consider a camping family vacation, with the family we made, camping does not fit in with the word vacation. To me vacation is beach, drinks, massages, shopping, dining out.
Vacation is not packing food, supplies to cook the food, bringing bedding and flashlights and heck, I don’t even know what else we need. All I know is ~~Andrew~~ we spent $250 at Walmart yesterday and everything he we bought was silly. We got a coffee maker that makes cover over a fire. WE HAVE ELECTRICITY. But he says we are camping. I say let’s have cereal for breakfast, that’s more than they get now, and he says no we are having bacon and eggs cooked over a flipping fire.
And I am not even talking about the stuff we need for Lily. Medication, diapers, supplies, equipment. And then the not sleeping. Oh my. I am telling you I can get lost in a sea of my despair of all the things about this trip I do not want to do.
BUT I have some redeeming qualities here, I promise, I may have inner dialogue of a brat, but I promise I am not one on the outside.
I am fully supporting this trip. I am packing, loading, ~~obsessing~~ thinking, not going to things I want to go to (ie my writing workshop) so I can make this trip happen, etc.
I am actually excited about it because we will be in San Diego, hello my favorite place! There will be an ocean and we are going with our life group which is a group of people we all go to church with that meets twice a month and we “do life together”. Our kids are all really good friends, we are all really good friends with a deep connection with each other and a love for Jesus. So I am pumped to be on the beach, in amazing weather, with incredible friends with my awesome family.
Honestly if I had my choice I would stay home with our dogs. I would send Andrew with the kids and stay home happily if he let me. But life isn’t all about me and my wants and my comfort.
I am giddy for this trip because the memories we will make, the fellowship we will have, and not forget each moment that this life we have is a gift! Our life is so blessed. We are blessed beyond measure. We live in the country of freedom, we love a God we have every right to love with no suffering because of it. We eat what we want, when we want. We have the blessing to have friends who invite us, others who are willing to loan/rent us stuff to make the trip easier, and family who is willing to make sure our home and dogs are all safe and cared for.
I complain because it is in my DNA. I worry because it’s ingrained in me to do so. I stress because I am easily overwhelmed. But I am also able to overcome those things that I do to myself. I am able to get over my silly issues and focus on the bigger picture and I am glad I can do this.
I made a promise to myself a few months back that fear will never make any decisions for me and I am holding true to that promise. You should have seen me a few weeks ago at Women’s Retreat zip-lining and walking on a log probably 30 feet in the air. I have the video… maybe I should share old wobbly legged me.
So all this to say, we are going to Camp Land this weekend! We will have an amazing time with great people and our kids will play, bike, run, swim and they will eat and get taken care of and they will fight in the car and all this will be awesome ways to make memories, a wonderful way to spend their fall break!
But my next vacation there will be fruity drinks and no flashlights!

Precious girl took a fall….

Kim Nothdurft

no comments

September 24, 2013

I’ve been wanting to share what happened to Lily last week, but I guess not too much since I haven’t.
It was an awful experience and sharing it really doesn’t make me feel any better.
Last Sunday we were all ready for church, I had Lily showered, looking adorable and all strapped in her chair. That isn’t all that common on a weekend. I am usually far more relaxed and have less straps on her, but last Sunday she had the full harness and all.
I was still getting Oliver’s shoes on so Andrew takes Lily to load her up, and as I sit and talk to Oliver about how his feet have grown and he needs new shoes, I hear Andrew screaming “Kim!” “Kim!” I hear Lily making weird noises and in seconds I think, she having a seizure? Why is he yelling about a seizure? Then he opens the door, wheel is off her chair and her face is all bloody.WHAT?! I am trying to understand what is happening as he is yelling, she fell, her brakes, stupid chair, wheel.. all these words are flying around my brain but nothing is sticking. My baby is crying and bleeding. I run to get a wet towel and start to wipe her off and my tears just start falling. I am shaking, Andrew is shaking, I am crying and Andi Jane is bawling. We were all a wreck trying to clean her off. I take her out of the chair, take her to the floor, get her ice and really access the damages. It appears she has road rash on the side of her head and seemed to have bitten her lip, which is where all the blood was coming from.
She is acting fine, stopped crying and I start asking Andrew, what happened. He says he put on her brake, went to start the van and her chair just went down the driveway (inclined) and we have no ramp at the end of the driveway, just a large bump and baby girl just fell forward. The wheel came out on impact which I guess is why she went to the side more than face planted. I had asked Andrew to fix the brake (again) on Friday and he did, but it just kept coming loose. We were so mad. Mad at the chair, at the sidewalk. At ourselves.
It was the worst. I called neuro and they said we should take her to the ER for a CT just in case so I did. And she was fine. All checked out. And by the next day it was as if nothing happened… to her.
We were all scarred and damaged however.
We have one job with Lily and it is to keep her safe. We failed.
I took her chair in to be fixed the next day, they tightened the brake (again), but said she needs to have it replaced. But we just had her chair fixed not too long ago. It’s something I wish they paid more attention to. Brakes. Kinda important.
Ugh. It was such a miserable experience. Andi Jane was just heart broken. Had horrible survivors guilt. I should have done this, not that. She just cried and cried and cried.
Oliver was so worried, he kept saying “sorry Lily”. And when he saw the pictures of her after the fact he wanted to put them in the garbage bin. Kept saying “I don’t want these pictures of Lily hurt”.
And as I look back at that time, that moment our family was all huddled around Lily trying to clean her up, all praying for her to be OK I realize she is the one thing in our family that will always tie us. She will always be that thing/person that we all rally around. She is the one who makes our family, our family.
I thought about how I prepare for the worst of things to happen. I am told by too many doctors about the worst that can happen to not think about it, but I realize… there is no preparing. You can tell me it will rain, but until I feel the wet on my face I won’t really believe it. My heart broke for her that day. A million little pieces of my heart all over our floor and although like many times before it has been picked up and put back together, I did realize a lot in that moment. God is always faithful and his protection is always covering us, I rarely harness her on a weekend and if she weren’t harnessed she would have been way worse. And our family is a strong unit revolving around this beautiful girl. My other kids will do anything for Lily and I know that even when we have our fights and frustrations, the truth of their hearts is gold. And God so help this family if something really serious happens to our Lily girl. God help us all.

Taylor Swift

Kim Nothdurft

no comments

August 26, 2013

OK back in May, which only felt like yesterday, we went to see Taylor Swift in concert. I am not a big concert goer. Well anymore… I went to some pretty sweet shows back in my day… New Kids, MC Hammer, Debbie Gibson, Bon Jovi, Lollapalooza (95), George Strait, … yes I went to some concerts! Eclectic some may say. Cheap others will say because most of those I was asked and went. But honestly I have to really really like a band/person to go to a concert. Especially now. I like my ears to not ring. I like to not stand for hours, I like to not be touching body parts with sweaty strangers. I like my money in my wallet to stay in my wallet. I am old, maybe, but I think I have always been old. I have always liked to not like these things. I remember my friends just crying a river on our ride back from the New Kids on the Block concert and thinking… hu? Why are you crying. Your mom paid a ton for those tickets, our other mom just drove us across town, we were so far back my I love Jordan sign was only seen by the folks standing by us… I was just glad to be finally going home. So yeah, I don’t get all hopped up on that stuff. I don’t get it. I know it makes me so very uncool. I like music. Scratch, I love music. But I like music in a way that it is always around me. It’s the soundtrack of my life. It is always there, but going along with me. Not screaming, jumping up and down and sweating on me. Worship at church is my favorite time of church. I love music. Just wanted to make that clear.
BUT when I want to see a person/show I am into it like nothing else. Like Bette Midler, we saw her in Vegas. AND I LOVED HER! I wanted to marry her after the show! It was one of the best times of my life! It was a show, songs, dancing and hello Bette Midler! OK so maybe my spirit is a little closer to 70 … so what.
And then Taylor Swift. I got an email at work because we were ticket holders at this arena and it says “Any interest in Taylor Swift” in a heart beat I said YES! Long story short we got a suite, my sister and I shared the tickets, she brought her girls and friends they chose and I brought my girls and friends they chose (well I made sure the girls we brought were Andi and Lily’s friends).
I asked the moms to join us because it was a school night and we were at least an hour from home and we had enough tickets to do so, so there we were 12 of us, several little girls, a teenager and girls in their early 20’s, and us moms all getting ready for Taylor Swift!
I had no idea what to expect. I love her music and that was all I knew.
Then she came out! The show was amazing in ways I can’t describe!
I do think us moms could have liked it more than the girls. We were all singing. We were all dancing. Taylor looked so amazing. I felt like she was my best friend. Along with the other 20,000 folks in the place probably feeling the same way. I have a point. I am not a concert reviewer, I am just one who gives way too much back story before ever reaching a point.
But all this aside, yes she was an incredible performer, her show was bright, it was stunning, it was impossible to take your eyes off of. All this wonderful stuff that we all enjoyed. But what I truly noticed and enjoyed was how appropriate she was for all ages!
Last night I didn’t watch the VMA’s but I saw the backlash of it. Mylie is a train wreck, she is just a few moments away from shaving her head Brittany style. That is sad. It is a sad life they live in Hollywood and as much as my sweet girl Andi Jane loves all things acting and singing I would be hell bent on ever even letting her think of that road as a possibility. Home girl here as seen way too many seasons of Celebrity Rehab.
But so often these young fresh stars see themselves only as young stars they have to start sexifying themselves. Making themselves transform from one stigma to another. It is sad to me. I understand their world is not like ours. I don’t judge these young woman growing up under that hot spotlight, and I am not going to talk about something I know nothing about. BUT I am going to say what a fresh breath of air that Taylor Swift was.
What a role model for my daughters to see. She talked about not being mean and bullying. Talked about how special each member of the audience was. How they could be anything they wanted to be. She wore cute clothes but never slutty. She was an absolute class act.
I don’t even care what anyone has to say about her and her dating and whatever. I don’t care. Her persona on stage was outstanding. She was who my daughters can aspire to be like. She was a star in every way and I encourage you all to take your kids to see her. She is a rare find in this world and after that concert I became one of her biggest fans.
I know this sounds corny and I am sorry. But I will also add I became a Beliber after his movie and have seen things down hill for that boy sooo maybe my opinion doesn’t hold a lot of water?